First Ourselves

The Love Your Body Series: Use Your Body to Honor Your Values

A few years ago, I read Your Money or Your Life, a book that forever changed how I view money. The authors share a brilliant idea that elevates budgeting above simple allocation---so much for housing, so much for groceries. In their plan, you use money as a way of integrating your values in your daily life. So, if you value health, and community service, then you might spend more of your money on things like organic food, or giving to charity, while someone who values connection and education might spend more of their money on books, higher education, and having friends over for dinner.

The point is for your money to be a natural extension of your deepest values and beliefs. After all, money is only energy----something given to you in exchange for your time and expertise (usually in the form of a job).

You can adopt a similar approach to your body. How can you use your physical self to be a natural extension of your deepest values and beliefs? Looking at your body from this viewpoint connects the dots between your mind, body, and spirit. It's how you manifest your spirit in your daily life:  through your body.

The first step is figuring out what you value. What matters to you? Here are some ideas:  health, beauty, family, creative expression, joy, love, an appreciation of nature and the outdoors, strength, or achievement.

The second stop is thinking about how your body can honor those values. If you value nature, do you spend time in nature with your body, camping, hiking, biking, or walking? If you value beauty, do you take time to dress beautifully? If you value creativity, do you use your clothing, hair, and personal style to serve as an outlet for your artistic expression?

These are just a few ideas. I'm sure you have your own.

Here's another benefit of viewing your body from this perspective:  If you're trying to make changes to your body, such as losing weight or adopting an exercise program, and aren't having any success, the problem may not be a lack of discipline or know how. The problem may be the wrong focus:  trying to motivate yourself out of vanity (wanting to look good for its own sake), or berating yourself into changing (I'm so fat I've had it!) Try connecting your goals with your values:  you want to lose weight because you value beauty, and you want to wear a wide variety of clothes on a toned body.  You exercise regularly because you value health, and all of its rewards:  being able to romp in the park with your children, or enjoying an active sexual life with your beloved.

Thinking about this made me understand why being overweight pains me. It's not so much a body image issue as it is a feeling of betrayal:  the consequence of treating my body in a way that is contrary to my values. I value health; I value personal development; I value love. When I overeat, and consequently gain weight, I'm living contrary to my beliefs. This is painful, and rightly so. If it didn't feel bad, then it would imply that my values were meaningless. But I do care. Which is why I work at fixing my bad habits, do my best to abstain from sugar, exercise, and treat my body with lovingkindness.

Aside from feeling better about your body, this mindset can also help you become less snarky towards other women---especially when they're doing things of which you disapprove, such as plastic surgery, breast implants, or obsessive dieting. Often, when we judge another woman for being too skinny/overweight/preoccupied with her looks---fill in the blank---we're judging her behavior according to our values. But what if she's using her body as an expression of her values; values that differ from your own? Let other women have the dignity of their own experience, and I think you'll find more support for your own.

There's a wide variety of human experience. Just as we all don't like the same things or look the same, we also value different things. Those values manifest in our bodies, our spending habits, and our very lives. And this is a good thing; all well and good.

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Creating Body Ease: The Love Your Body Series: Let Your Body Showcase Your Personality

Sometimes I feel like I have multiple personality disorder, because I have so many different "selves." While, yes, I have many different roles---I'm a wife, a mom, a friend, a daughter, a sister, an employee, a small business owner---what I'm talking about here are the different aspects of my personality; my interests, desires and needs. Who are these selves? Here's a sampling:

• I have an inner fashionista who loves beautiful clothes, putting on a dress and heels, getting made-up and playing all versions of adult dress-up.
• I'm a spiritual seeker, who loves praying, talking to God, and connecting with others.
• I'm an earth Mother, who makes her own baby wipes, births at home, homeschools, cooks organic food from scratch, recycles, and loves reading about alternative health and nutrition.
• I'm an athlete---a runner---who thrills from pushing her body through a challenging workout, or testing herself in a race.
• I have an inner minimalist, who craves quiet, serenity, peace, and order.
• I'm a foodie who loves cooking and relishing a delicious meal.
• I'm a HGTV-wannabe who loves a pretty environment, an organized closet, and, yes, even labeled kitchen jars.

Now it's your turn. Who are your various selves? Make a list. Now, think about your body:  does it express your personality? Does your clothing, your style of dress, your home, and your environment honor these needs? Do you honor these selves with your time?

How can you integrate the many aspects of your personality into your life? You get 24 hours anew, everyday:  a gift. Use that gift to express the greatest measure of your being. Use that gift to express your truest self---or selves. This is living the mind-body-spirit connection: using your body as a means to express your spirit and your mind. It's how you manifest your spirit in your daily life.

Too many women look at a day as one giant to-do list:  I need to exercise; I have to go to the grocery store; the house needs cleaning. Living like this way feels deadening. Drab. Dull. Lifeless. Contrast that approach with integrating your selves with your to-do list. So exercise becomes an avenue for expressing your inner yogi when you take 30 minutes to do a home yoga routine. Grocery shopping becomes an outlet for your foodie, a quest for an exciting meal. Housecleaning is what calms and soothes your inner housekeeper (She's the part of you that loves the sight of a clean home, an organized pantry, and a beautifully set dinner table.)

If you have an inner dancer, do you take her out dancing? If you're an artist, do you use your body and your clothing as a platform for your creativity? Do you use your hands to draw, to paint, to collage? Do you honor your spirit with jewelry or clothing that speaks to your faith? Do you fold your hands in prayer? Does your inner athlete have opportunities to compete, to feel strong, to push herself?

Sometimes, I feel like my many different selves are like bickering siblings, all trying to compete for my attention, love, and time. They all want to be counted. They all want an outlet:  in my life. I can operate from a scarcity mentality---where only one aspect of myself has permission to shine---or I can come from a foundation of abundance---where all aspects of myself are allowed to express themselves. There's enough "me" to go around. I can be an athlete, a fashion hound, a minimalist, a spiritual seeker, and an Earth mother. I don't have to pick and choose. But I don't have to be all of those things at the same time.

Instead, I integrate each part of myself into my daily life. My athlete feels nourished when I go out for my daily run; my fashionista feels fulfilled when I take an extra 30 minutes to shower, style my hair, and pick out a stylish outfit; my minimalist feels heard when I keep my closet tidy and organized.

When I honor the many aspects of my personality, when I express them in my dress, my body, and in my home, I'm filled with joy. After all, I'm honoring what gives me pleasure. I'm also protecting myself from self-sabotage:  when I don't express my many selves, they get a bit cranky, like a child that throws a tantrum to get noticed. More importantly, expressing my personality is what makes me me. No one else has the unique combination of selves that I do. No one else quite expresses them in the way that I do. Isn't that a beautiful, wonderful thing; something worth celebrating, something worth sharing with the world, in daily acts of intention?

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One of my favorite authors on helping women love their bodies, and themselves, is Crystal Andrus. Check our her fantastic book, Transcendent Beauty, as well as her Simply...Woman website and forums.

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Creating Body Ease: The Love Your Body Series: A Simple Way to Feel Better About Your Body's Changes

One of the hard things about aging, or about accepting our body's changes due to pregnancy and use, is that how we think about ourselves---how we feel in our bodies---doesn't keep pace with how we look in our bodies. You may still feel 20 on the inside, even though you don't look 20 on the outside. 

At first, we may be able to deny or ignore the changes in our bodies. Maybe we experience a slight weight gain; a few wrinkles; a spattering of gray hairs. But then the changes accumulate. Have you ever experienced one of those moments, when you look at the mirror, and suddenly wonder when you got old? Or when your body morphed into your mother's, your aunt's, or your older sister's?

I've had moments when I've been startled by my body's changes. The other day, I was leisurely shaving my legs in the shower when I came upon a mass of spider veins and varicose veins on the back of my knee. I paused, because, suddenly, I saw my grandmother's legs, not my own. Or, more accurately, not the legs I had at 20. I was more curious than disgusted. But it served as a gentle reminder, that, while beauty is to be cherished and appreciated, like anything in our mortal world, it is also temporary. One day, I will have my grandmother's legs, a full head of gray hair, and not just a few stray strands; a face lined with the joys and sorrows of living.

I am okay with this. After all, I believe a body is meant to be used. I believe our spirits, our  minds, our beauty is meant to be used. And like the Velveteen Rabbit, when we use our bodies, when we offer our wombs as a vessel for new life, when we offer our breasts to our babies, when we run and play and jump and dance, when we love our bodies by using them, they get worn out. They get shabby and wrinkled and dirty. Gravity takes its toll, as do the hours basking in the sun.

This is all well and good. This makes for a full life. This is a life well lived. This is a body well lived; a body well loved.

I love this quote, attributed to motorcycle racer Bill McKenna:  "Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, totally worn out and proclaiming. "Wow, what a ride!"

Will you be able to say that, on your deathbed? Or will you have regrets:  I never took that dance class, because I felt too fat. I kept putting off yoga, because I felt too awkward and uncoordinated. All those years I refused to go to the beach, and wear a bathing suit? Oh, to dip my toes in warm salt water one more time!

So this message is a clarion call to live now, in your body:  to use it up, to approach death with a sense of having wrung out every good and perfect thing from this life, including the earthly vessel that houses your soul.

But, that being said, how do you turn around those negative feelings, when your appearance in the mirror causes dismay? How do you accept the changes in your body with grace, ease and levity? One thing that I do is I find ways to tangibly connect my good feelings---those feelings that still make me believe that I'm a hot, smoking, sexy young thing---with who I am now:   a hot smoking, sexy, young thing...with a few extra inches, sags, and wrinkles.

Today I met a girlfriend at Victoria's Secret for some much needed underwear therapy. I felt so girly and young and carefree, diving into the underwear bins:  it was the way I felt in high school, going to the mall with my friends. As I stood in my lingerie in the dressing room mirror, I felt hot and sexy. I felt positive about my body, like I did when I was 17, even though the image in the mirror has changed a bit. I saw the saggy, fuller breasts, the flabbier belly, the cellulite and stretch marks and wider hips, and yet, all I saw was beauty. Why? I was connecting those good feelings of who I once was, with who I am now. Better yet, I shared my experience with a friend---basking in her love for me at the same time.

Think of something that you loved to do with your body when you were a younger woman, or a teenager:  Did you dance? Run track? Ride horses? Lip sync in a Madonna get-up? Stage fashion shows? Were you a gymnast, a soccer player, or a  basketball star? Now who says you can't do those things now? You are all of the ages you have ever been. That beautiful teenager? The curvy new mother? The sprightly twenty something? They're still there. They're still you.

I love to run, not just for the mental and physical release, but because it makes me feel strong. Running connects me to the fearless, positive, go-getter I was at 15 and 16. It brings that girl into my present, feeding the me I am now with the me I once was---filling me with her strength, optimism, and drive.

Connect your internal feelings with your external reality, so that the good feelings you have on the inside pair up with good feelings on the outside. This is not about clinging to an outdated style, or trying to still look like you're 18, even though you may be 38, or 48, or 58. It's about integrating all of who you were with who you are; bringing the little girl who loved to play dress up, the teenager who could outdribble her brothers, and the young woman who danced all night long into the woman you are today, to make you a greater sum than the total of your many, wonderful parts.   

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Creating Body Ease: The Love Your Body Series: Two Ways to Increase Your Self-Esteem

January is such an interesting month, a paradox of contrasts:  on the one hand, there is the excitement and hopeful expectation that comes with a new year, and a fresh start. On the other, there's holiday letdown, the winter blahs, the bleakness of the inner and outer landscape. Yesterday afternoon, a fellow mom sighed and shared, "I'm digging deep to find something to look forward to. Boy, I wish I had a vacation coming up. I feel so letdown after the holidays."

For several days after Christmas, I felt this way, too. It's a very common, human feeling:  the natural consequence after months of anticipation and celebration. December holds that warm, magical feeling of connection with family and friends; a floating sense of goodwill to those in your circle, on both a small, and grand, scale. But January? How can we embrace January? How can we create something positive, something hopeful, something expectant, for our bodies this month?

I just picked up a delightful book, How to Put the Spark Back in Your Marriage and in You, by Australian life stylist Jacqui Easton. She writes about the joy in letting ourselves shine---of helping our inner, and outer, beauty sparkle. This is accomplished in two ways:  by "polishing the inside," where we focus on changing our thoughts, our internal dialogue, and our beliefs about ourself. As we transform our negative beliefs into positive ones, we endow our bodies with self-care as a natural by-product of these good feelings.

The second path is "polishing the outside," where we focus on loving and caring for our external body. This type of care moves inward, too, as our self-care manifests into greater self-esteem and good feelings about ourselves as a person.

It's a simple idea, but practical----and life-changing in its application. I love that it gives you multiple routes, two ways to increase your love for your body. If you're feeling more cerebral, you can choose to adopt a thinking route, and dive into your thoughts and beliefs about yourself. But, if you'd rather save the work of thought transformation for another day, you have the alternative to just be. To practice loving your body by caring for your body. That, my friends, is January's gift. Those long, dark nights? Perfect for getting a luscious 12 hours of rest. The cold, windy days? What better time for indulging in a hot, steamy bath, a facial, a sauna, or a massage? The absence of holidays and busy schedules? Aren't you grateful for time to invest in yourself? Work with the feeling of renewal that comes at this time of year. Channel it:  take your desire for something new, for change, and direct it. Feed your appreciation for your temple, your body; root it, ground it, so that, come spring, summer, and fall, it will grow in beauty. 

So embrace January. Embrace the many chances you have this month to make yourself sparkle, to "polish your inside," and "polish your outside." Purge your closet of unworn or unflattering clothes. Try a new beauty treatment. Find a new hairstyle. Try your hand at making something----jewelry, a scarf, or even a simple skirt---that combines self-care with creativity. Outfit a comfort drawer:  author Sarah Ban Breathnach's brilliant idea of a place where you can store simple treasures---a special bath, a scented candle, a juicy novel---for those times when you're craving extra support.

Let yourself be beautiful. If you're going to a party, abide by the fancy dress code, even if jeans and T-shirts are more your thing. Get dressed in the morning, even if you're surrounded by toddlers, or you never leave your house:  you'll feel better about you; you'll admire you, even if no one else does. Take the time to paint your nails, even if your toes are ensconced in wool socks. You'll know they're pretty. Relish in your body, relish in your femininity, relish in the delight of creating something beautiful:  you.

This is loving your body. This is self-care, because self-care is simply love in action. We love our children, our husbands, our homes, in caring for them. We love our bodies by caring for them, too. Unfortunately, as women, much of the "care" we bestow upon our bodies isn't really care at all. Even our resolutions can seem like nitpicking:  I need to lose weight. I need to change my diet. I need to exercise more.

Yes, sometimes we need to cut back on the fake foods, or move more, or eat more vegetables. Yes, there is a time and a place for those kind of goals and commitments. But balance those commitments with comfort, joy, celebration, ease. Find ways to make yourself sparkle. Sparkle, and you'll find it's much easier to eat broccoli, to exercise when it's 20 degrees outside, to eat one small serving of cheesecake, instead of the whole thing. Those good feelings about your body will transfer into good feelings about yourself, and they will also transfer into good habits. Then it becomes a mutually beneficial circle, where your good habits increase your self-esteem, and your self-esteem increases your feelings of beauty, and your feelings of beauty increases your good habits, and on, and on, and on. This is living with intention. This is body ease. This is loving your body.

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Do you feel like a beautiful woman? Kaia Van Zandt's book The Beauty Promise is a great resource to show you how. I would also recommend Jacqui Easton's delightful book, How to Put the Spark Back in Your Marriage and In You. Mama Gena is another fabulous resource for tapping into your femininity. I loved her book Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts.

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Creating Body Ease: How to Feel Good About Yourself When You Don't Love Your Body

Sometimes, we love our bodies. We feel effortlessly beautiful. We are confident and secure in our beauty. We see the physical results of our good habits, in the form of a healthy, vital body. We feel proud, happy and content. 

But sometimes, we don't love our bodies. We feel grubby and unkempt. We feel frumpy and flabby and haggard. We feel old. We see the results of our not-so-good habits, and often, this leads to shame, regret, and self-loathing. So not only do we feel badly because we look like crap, we feel extra terrible on top of it, for not loving and accepting our bodies when they aren't at their best.

What is a woman to do? Fortunately, there's a way out:  compassion. Compassion for yourself. Just as it's abusive to pour venom over our bodies because of a few (or more than a few) extra pounds, or to berate ourselves for signs of age, it's just as unkind to scorn ourselves for not loving our bodies. They're all forms of self-abuse.

So, if you've indulged in a few extra holiday treats (I've been there), or if you've abused your body with overeating or undereating (I've been there, too), or if you desire to lose weight (I've been there, three), please:  don't compound your pain. Don't beat yourself up for wanting a different body. Don't beat yourself up for making poor choices. And, don't beat yourself up if you dislike your body. Instead of making your feelings something to fight against---I should love my body---accept your feelings. Sit with them. What do they feel like? What do they look like? What do they say? Can you listen to their message?

Can you embrace them?

A few years ago, when I decided to leave the diet/binge/body bashing treadmill for good, I assumed that loving my body would mean that I, well, would looooove it. Always. All the time. I wanted the high of newlywed bliss, the rapture of the honeymoon, where I was like a new lover, never sated, drunk on my own self-love. I didn't want to accept the inevitable valleys or lulls, the routine, the minutiae of daily life; the days when I simply lived in my body, without the glee, or joy or rush of appreciation.

But now I have a different perspective. I'm thinking that loving my body may mean accepting those times when I don't love my body. Or maybe I do love my body, but I dislike something particular about my appearance. So while I may be grateful for the physical being that houses my soul---my lungs that fill me with breath; my heart that pumps my lifeblood; my breasts and belly and womb that give me pleasure and give life to my children---I may not be so appreciative of its quirks. There are times when I feel frustrated by sickness, an ugly skin rash, unsightly chin hairs, spider veins, the cellulite on my thighs, the sagginess of my butt.

Does this mean I hate my body? Why no. Can I love my body, even while I accept my frustrations? Absolutely; yes. As a mother, I think of how I love my children, but sometimes dislike their behavior. Likewise, my body may test my patience. And yet I still offer it my love---even when I don't feel like it.

A few months ago, I changed the name of the Love Your Body series to the Creating Body Ease series. This was intentional. I realized, that, while, loving your body is an admirable goal, and one I wish for every woman, sometimes, it's difficult. I don't want women to feel burdened by one more to-do, one more item to accomplish in order to feel good about themselves. Instead, let's aim for ease.

What is ease? Ease is freedom, freedom from difficulty or hardship. It's being comfortable. It's feeling unconstrained. Ease implies rest, abiding in gentleness, compassion, and understanding. It's stillness. Calm. A lessening of intensity. It's a feeling of proper perspective, where you relax in your frustration, where the chin hairs and cellulite and wrinkles don't vex you, or alter your perspective of your body as a whole.

So, as you journey into accepting and loving your body, aim for ease. Love? Yes, it will come, and it will be there. But I can love my body without loving every thing about my body, 100% of the time. And I believe that you can, too.

Either way, it's all good. It's all good if we let it be good. If we accept our feelings, our changing appearance, our ugliness, our beauty, and everything in between, without labeling one set of feelings as good, and another as bad, we can find our ease.

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One of the tricks I use to console myself when I'm feeling icky, ashamed, or frustrated is to look at a photo of myself from when I was a baby or a little girl. This changes my perspective, where I'm no longer so focused on my humanity, with all of its peccadilloes and stumbling blocks, and am able to view my divinity---the light within. This is also a very helpful tactic when I'm feeling judgmental towards other people; thinking of them as babies or small children silences my inner critic almost instantly.

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Would you like to add more ease to your life? Do you feel plagued by anxiety? Depression? Lucinda Bassett's books were a lifeline to me in unraveling my anxiety and depression. You can check her out here.

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Creating Body Ease: The Love Your Body Series: How to Handle Catty Women Comments, Criticism, and Unkind Remarks

There is a paradox with the body, and our appearance:  while, yes, how we look does not define us, and should not be our primary focus, at the same time, we should never feel ashamed, guilty, or uncomfortable for letting our outer beauty shine. This morning, I read these words from Religious Science minister Reverend Ron Fox, "We must go beyond wishing and hoping. We must be willing to go beyond our fears."

How many of you readers are wishing and hoping that you can transform your body? That you can be thinner, stronger, leaner, in better shape, in better health, have greater style, or look younger? How many of you want to let your outer beauty shine, and yet are unwilling to go beyond your fears?

Because our bodies are the most physically present part of ourselves, this means that our bodies are often the must subject to others' critique. We may be afraid of such criticism, both positive and negative, so we hide our light, our beauty, from the world. We self-sabotage so that we aren't our best selves.

There is a link between your behavior (and the underlying beliefs about your body that drive such behavior), and your perception of other people's beliefs about your body. It's one of the primary reasons why we sabotage ourselves. When a woman decides to change something in her life, whether it be a physical change, such as losing weight or gaining better health, or an internal change, such as altering the husband-wife contract, it can be threatening to those around her. Her changes radiate outward, affecting all of those around her.

This is true even in something as seemingly inconsequential as external beauty. I'll be honest:  when I was abusing my body with overeating, sugar addiction, and dieting, it was hard for me to accept other women's successes. I remember feeling envious and competitive when other women were able to overcome their obstacles and lose weight, or regain lost health. If I'm also honest, I can recognize that sometimes this type of energy is likewise directed towards me. And when I feel this body-voodoo, typically, it becomes too much, and I resort to self-sabotage, overeating, and other destructive habits as a misguided attempt to protect myself.

Negative energy comes in all shapes and sizes.  Envy and jealousy are a part of it, but so are shame, judgment, criticism, and condemnation. I read a post this week by a woman who lamented the hurtful comments that she's endured over the years, all because she was overweight. Sadly, we can all be subjected to other's negative energy, whether we are overweight, underweight, or at a normal weight; whether we are considered ugly or beautiful; whether we are young or old. 

No matter what brand of negative energy you are facing, here are three steps to transmute rude comments, so that you can process them, and move on, instead of internalizing them in self-sabotage: 

1. Relax. It's not personal. I know it feels personal. I know that rude comments and body voodoo feels like an attack. But it's really about the other person, and not you. When people make snarky comments, they are expressing their beliefs, perceptions, and judgments outloud. You don't have to make them your own. They are your beliefs or perceptions only if you get hooked by them, and feel defensive, angry or insulted. If you are at peace with yourself, their comments will be like the chatter of a parrot, of a mindless bird:  simple talk that is easily ignored.

At the same time, have compassion:  have you ever been critical or snarky towards someone else? When we recognize that we all harbor a critical side, that we all have moments of pettyness, we can relax when we face this side in others. For all you know, they may be feeling badly about their own body, and are merely taking it out on you, the nearest scapegoat.

2. Recognize that you don't know the whole story. Have you ever miscommunicated? Said something that was misinterpreted? Failed to communicate your true meaning? We all have. And this also means that we all have been the recipient of such failed communication. We often proscribe judgments to other people's words when we are unaware of their true intention. We create a story---"She thinks I'm ugly because I'm overweight," or "She doesn't accept me," construing comments as insults, assuming that the other person meant to insult us. But we just don't know. And often, they aren't insulting us at all:  just communicating in an insensitive manner.

Instead of feeling defensive, redirect an insensitive comment, or even one tinged with envy, so that it honors you. Thank the person for their comment, and assume that they meant to compliment you. Here's an example:  If someone says, "You have such a pretty face. You could be so beautiful if you lost weight," you can say, "Thank you for saying I'm pretty. That means so much to me." Or, if someone says, "You always look so together. You must spend hours getting ready," you can reply with, "Thank you for noticing. I've been making an effort to take better care of myself, and I'm glad it shows."

What's great about this tactic is that if they were trying to jab at you with a petty insult, they'll be feeling so sheepish after you turn it into a compliment that they will be silenced. This leads me right into step three: 

3. Reframe it. When you are being criticized by others, how can you frame this event so that it supports your growth? Even when you are being treated unkindly, you still have a choice with what you do with that pain. You can frame hurtful commments in two ways:  "Other people don't like me. People don't accept me as who I am. I'm not good enough as I am. I'm always being picked on." Or, "I'm so glad I love and accept myself, at any weight. I'm being given an opportunity to love myself unconditionally. What an opportunity for me to practice self-love, and forgiveness."

Yes, I know that it's much easier to feel wronged when you've been hurt. I know it feels better, too---in the short term. But it's your life, your time, and your energy that you're expending. Those hours you spent, getting angry and sad and feeling hurt by someone's rude comment? Those were hours you can never reclaim. Those hours were your very life.

It would be wonderful if women could support one another, 100% of the time, in their journeys. It would be wonderful if we didn't feel threatened when other women achieve what we desire for ourselves. It would be wonderful if we could accept that there's an abundance of beauty in the world; that letting another woman's beauty shine doesn't diminish our own.

In the meantime, we can take steps to support ourselves, so that we remain unhooked by negativity. Then we are free and clear to make healthy choices, are comfortable with our feminine gifts, and allow ourselves to be beautiful.

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If you are looking for further inspiration to let your outer, and inner, beauty shine, you would enjoy Kaia Van Zandt's work in Beauty Development. Kaia, the daughter of a make-up pioneer, has made it her mission to help women feel beautiful, from the inside out. Kaia is also a yogi, the founder of an internet forum for women, youareabeautifulwoman.com, and the author of The Beauty Promise.

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Creating Body Ease: The Love Your Body Series: How to make peace with the body you have today

On Halloween, I wrote about mourning the losses we experience as a part of life. While I don't believe in dwelling in negativity, or remaining fixed on the changes that we view as "bad," I do believe there is value in grieving what is lost. It is through grief, facing and feeling our sadness, that we are able to move forward to a place of acceptance and peace. I've found this to be true in all of my relationships; this includes my relationship with my body.

With this step, we're going to make peace with our losses. I think this area is a huge stumbling block for women, because, unlike men's bodies, our bodies go through significant and marked periods of transition:  puberty, pregnancy, the postpartum stage, and menopause. Our bodies fluctuate, and show marked changes, dependent on whether we're pregnant, nursing, or menstruating. We wear our transitions---we embody our changes in our very physical being.

I think one of the hardest things for women to accept about their bodies is the changes that these stages bring. What woman wants to admit that she's becoming an old woman? What first time mother wants to accept that she no longer has her girl's body, or, her girl's life? And as a society, we do a poor job of acknowledging these changes at all. Unlike traditional societies, we don't have ceremonies or rituals that allow a woman to die to the old, in order to give birth to the new; to transition from a maiden, to a mother; or from a mother to a matron.

So, one day, we realize that our postpartum body looks nothing like it did in prepregnancy, or our postmenopausal body looks nothing like it did premenopause, and we feel grief, and sadness, and have no idea how to handle these feelings. We feel ashamed---vain, superficial, catty---for having them. We feel  a tinge of our shadow, and we run and hide. How do we hide from these feelings? We deny them; we avoid dressing rooms, mirrors, swimming pools. We stuff them with food. We feed them with anxiety, envy of other women, and a deep rooted fear that we're losing our beauty. We punish ourselves with rigid diets, expensive, painful beauty treatments, and excessive exercise, all in our efforts to reclaim what was lost.

For all our efforts, peace evades us. Let's change that. Let's find peace.

What are your body's losses? Grab paper and a pen and make your list. Don't worry about being vain or shallow (this is for your eyes only). If something grieves you, write it down. Are you sad about the varicose veins on your legs? Are you frustrated by your cellulite? Do you mourn the loss of your taut tummy? Do you have scars that upset you? Do you miss your youthful skin?

Now that you have your list in hand, make another list. Write down all of the ways you have tried to avoid, deny, alter, or escape from these losses. Are you a beauty product addict? Do you have a rigid beauty routine? Have you had plastic surgery? Are you a chronic dieter? Do you buy only vanity sized clothes, so you can con yourself into believing that you're still your old size?

Here are some observations I noted about my own life:  I pushed myself to lose my baby weight as quickly as possible after my pregnancies; I hated the changes of my body from birth and pregnancy: the stretch marks, flabby belly, spider veins, melasma (brown spotting on my face). I've likewise been saddened by the arrival of grey hairs, a saggy butt, and cellulite. My 20s were the pits, the apex of this body anxiety. During this time, my fears festered and grew upon themselves, manifesting in self-sabotage (overeating), envy (I was insanely jealous of other women), and depression (Is it any wonder?) I squeezed myself into too-small clothing, treated dieting books like religious tomes, and avoided swimming pools for years.

So how did I move on? How did I make peace with my losses?

Like anyone, my journey is ongoing. But the road to peace started when I took a good, hard look in the mirror, and accepted that there is nothing (aside from plastic surgery, which I'm not willling to do!) that will make my changes go away. And that, love it or loathe it, my body is the only one I will have in this world. It's my choice how I choose to live in it:  with acceptance, and peace, or with anxiety, sadness, and pain.

I chose the former. I'm betting you are, too. Here are several steps that helped me in this process: 

• Understand that we all experience loss. Whose body doesn't change, age, and, someday, die? In a world where media images often deny these very changes, sometimes we need a reminder that, yes, indeed, a normal human body does morph over a lifetime. Our bodies aren't meant to be the same. They are not meant to be preserved. The problem is that most of us try to avoid facing our impermanence. We fight change, ignore it, deny it; we cover and hide our changes with hair dye, make-up, and Spanx; we try to relieve them (and regain what was lost) with a new diet, an exercise program, a skin care regimen, dermatologist visits, plastic surgery.... The ways we try and disguise our grief, and our losses, are innumberable.
• Accept that we may all experience grief, anger, sadness, or frustation over our losses. It is normal to have a difficult time accepting these changes. If you pride yourself on having a svelte figure, accepting a mushy belly, rippling with stretch marks, is challenging. If you've been known for your beauty, accepting wrinkles, and crepey, saggy skin may not be easy for you, either. I empathize. It can be unmooring to reconcile how we see ourselves with the changes that we see in the mirror.
• Give yourself ways to mourn your losses and to celebrate the stage you are in. Create rituals or ceremonies that acknowledge your transitions. This can be an actual ceremony with other women. When I was pregnant with my fourth child, my girlfriends held a blessingway ceremony, a ritual that honored my transition into motherhood. Each guest brought a bead that I strung into a necklace, which I then wore throughout the last few weeks of my pregnancy and during childbirth. My necklace is one of my most prized possessions, and I wear it whenever I'm needing a feeling of connection---both to my spirit, and to the strong women who sustain it. But rituals don't have to be this elaborate. What about something simpler, such as lighting a candle, invoking the serenity prayer, and burning the lists of losses that you made, as a symbolic gesture that you are moving forward? What about lighting a candle in the morning, and saying a prayer of gratitude for your body, before you shower and dress for the day?
• Ritualize the different stages of your life. Last winter, when I was a round, new mother, I celebrated my curves with new underwear (granted, I needed bigger bras to hold my full breasts!) While, yes, I was flabby and thick waisted, I was also fabulously voluptous. My new bras helped me accept my body's changes, instead of resisting them.
• Find ways to honor the sacred in your daily routines. Can you create rituals for getting dressed in the morning, exercising, or even shopping for new clothes that make you feel good, and that honor the body you have today? Think about your beauty routines. Do you rush through your daily toilette, or do you honor this time with your body? What about making a ravishing ritual out of something like putting on skin cream at night, or giving yourself a manicure? Do you rush through your meals, or do you honor your ability to feed your body, to give it what it calls for? A few weeks ago, I had an urge to add ground flax seeds and a woman's oil blend (flaxseed oil and evening primrose oil) to my diet. Every time I eat these foods, I feel pampered, feminine, and connected to my spirit:  nourished by my food, in the true meaning of the word. Can you find ways to nourish yourself in your food choices?
  
• Embrace your true value. Change is hard. The loss of our beauty is hard. We become attached to the way we look; to our view of our beauty; to the way that others view our beauty. But this is looking at our beauty at the superficial, material, physical level. Underneath this vantage point is another viewpoint:  observing our body's changes through our spiritual eyes. What we see as reality on the physical plane is different than our true, higher reality:  what is true on the spiritual plane.
  So, while on the physical plane, you may experience an aging body, sickness, or a loss of your beauty, these experiences are only "real" if you are looking at them through the lens of the material world. What if you looked at these losses through spiritual eyes? Can you see that looking older, gaining weight, or losing your outer beauty doesn't change your reality, your inner beauty? Can you see how these losses may even serve to magnify your inner, spiritual beauty, to open your experience so that you can move past the physical in order to allow your divine radiance to shine forth?

The truth is, change is constant. Impermanence is a part of life. Our bodies are never the same, from day to day. Over time, the changes grow and coalesce, until they become more apparent. But, underneath this chaos and turmoil lies the calm of spirit. Our spirit is unchanging:  always loving, always accepting, always at peace. Give yourself space, breathing room, to acknowledge, accept, and work through the changes of your body, coupled with the understanding that your body isn't even really you----who you really are---to begin with. Then, if you decide that you would rather cover your gray hair than allow it to grow out naturally, or to lose the extra pounds you've gained over the past decade, you'll be able to make that decision from a place of peace and acceptance, versus a place of disgust, sadness, dislike, or anxiety. You'll be able to see, and treat, your reality---your physical body---with a proper perspective; with one eye on the true prize:  the unfolding blossom of your spirit.

 

Creating Body Ease: The Love Your Body Series: How Your Sensitivity Affects Your Body Image

I've often wondered why some women fall prey to media images and our toxic beauty environment, while others remain unaffected. Is it just a matter of good genes, of being blessed with beauty? But I've met plenty of supermodel-quality women who don't feel good about themselves.

I think other factors are at play, like sensitivity. Are you sensitive or intuitive? Are you a "sponge," easily picking up on other people's feelings, thoughts or emotions? Do you sense other people's judgments? Are your feelings easily hurt?

I'm sensitive, and can answer "yes" to all of the above. Being sensitive can feel as if you don't have any armor; like you're walking around without skin. Your emotions are easily influenced. You cry easily. You laugh easily. This can feel like a curse. I felt this way about my sensitivity for a long time, especially since I often heard the refrain, "Stop being so sensitive."

I see sensitivity in a different light. I believe it's a gift, something to be celebrated, not shamed. It means your heart is soft. You aren't hardened, jaded, or cynical. You've chosen to let yourself be vulnerable, to see the interconnectedness of humanity, and of life itself. You serve as a mirror, illuminating to everyone around you the myriad opportunities to offer compassion.

But if you're sensitive, you can also fall prey to other's moods, thoughts and feelings---and be completely unaware that this is happening. It may be hard to separate your thoughts and feelings from someone else's.

This is where it gets even trickier:  you may sense things that are unsaid, or unspoken. So your partner or girlfriend or husband may say, "But I never said that." They didn't have to:  you perceived the message, even without a word being spoken.

So what does sensitivity have to do with loving your body? If you're sensitive, you're probably picking up on countless, unsaid thoughts, feelings, beliefs and emotions from your environment. As a little girl, you might have picked up on your mother's unhappiness with her body.  As a teen, you might have absorbed your girlfriends' dissatisfacton and body hatred. As a woman, you feel bombarded by the media, by our entire society's preoccupation with the body. If you have a neighbor or a friend who's hypercritical of her body, you pick up on this, too. But not only do you sense these feelings, you absorb them. This may mean you begin applying these thoughts to your own body.

By contrast, someone who's not sensitive may have an easier time separating their thoughts about their body from someone else's thoughts (the media, a girlfriend, a sister) about their body. They have armor, a way to protect themselves.

If you're sensitive, it's important to put on your armor, to protect yourself so you're not so easily swayed by others. Your armor is primarily internal. This starts with a positive mindset, offering yourself  compassion for being sensitive in the first place. As a young woman, I viewed my sensitivity as if it were a character flaw:  something that needed to be changed in order for me to grow up or become "strong." Today, I lovingly accept my sensitivity. But I don't stop there:  I take steps to fortify myself. Solitude, prayer, and meditation are key for me. These practices ground me. They connect me to my spirit. But they also help me become familiar with my own voice, feelings, and emotions, so that I'm aware of what's mine and what's someone else's. I've created awareness, so I can question my emotions or thoughts, instead of accepting them as true.

I have a sensitive friend who wisely prays, "Help me separate what is mine from what is others'." I often visualize a veil of protection that I put on before I make my way out in the world, where only loving thoughts come in, and loving thoughts go out.

Two authors that have greatly helped me are Elaine Aron and Judith Orloff (I recommend Positive Energy.) These books helped me understand why, for example, I dislike malls or shopping centers, and gave me tools for living with my sensitive personality.

Recognizing the role my sensitivity played in my body image issues gave me freedom and understanding. Examining your sensitivity can help you, as well.

Creating Body Ease: The Love Your Body Series: Thank your Body

This week, as we celebrate our blessings in a spirit of Thanksgiving, it is the perfect time to offer that same spirit of gratitude to our bodies. However, I'm going to add a twist:  can you show gratitude for all of those things you dislike about your body, those things you wish you could change?

Here's an exercise for you:  take a paper and pen, and write down everything you dislike about your body. Be brutally honest. Don't censor yourself. Be petty, vain, and egotistical. Say you can't stand the extra 20 pounds, or the baby weight, or the saddlebags, the wrinkles, the big nose, the broad hips, the cellulite. Get it all out on paper. If you hate that you hate your body, write that down, too.

Now, for everything on your list, for every thing you really, really, really can't stand about your body, write down three reasons why that is a gift. Find the blessing behind your supposed curse.

I'll go first. Here's a sampling from my list:  I don't like my sugar sensitivity. I don't like the shingles rash that has been plaguing my face for a month. I don't like my belly pooch.

Here is the gift in those things:  My sugar sensitivity keeps me disciplined. Because I can't eat sugar, I don't get sick very often---I have a strong immune system. Because I'm sugar sensitive, I discovered a new favorite food:  macadamia nut butter.

My rash has kept my ego in check:  every morning, it helps me remember that my appearance doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. My rash forced me to look for allergens in my diet. My rash---okay, it's hard for me to come up with a third thing, I'll be honest here----hmmm..... My rash feels better:  it doesn't hurt as badly as it did a week ago.

My poochy belly reminds me of giving birth to my children. My poochy belly inspires me to exercise my core, which makes my back feel better. My poochy belly makes me feel proud to have a women's, versus a girl's, body.

This exercise left me trembling with awe:  I felt as if the light bulbs all clicked on in my head at once, in a giant, "A-ha" moment. Finding the good in things I really, really disliked about my body opened my awareness, so I could see the gift in "the bad." It silenced my need to judge something as "good" or "bad" in the first place.

But most significantly, it lessened my urge to control every aspect of my life. I could finally relax all of those rigid expectations. Because, after all, why did I have those expectations in the first place? I had them because I thought I needed them to feel okay about my body, and myself. Much of my anxiety or need to control my body stemmed from thinking that I wouldn't be okay or feel pretty if I had a rash, or if I was flabby, or if I was overweight. And what I found was that, even with those things that weren't my "ideal," I was okay. What I found was that there was good, even in that.

Even when my body (or my life) unfolds in ways I don't like, I'm still okay. I'm still more than okay, actually:  who's to say that I'm not better off for having a shingles rash, for being sugar sensitive, for having a poochy belly? Who's to say that you're not better off for being overweight, for having wrinkles, for having big breasts, for having small breasts, for being short, for being tall, for looking old, for losing your hair, for whatever?

Ponder on that thought for a moment. Or enact it. Better yet, live it.

Earlier this week I wrote about the good thing about frustration. If you made a list of your frustrations, take that list, and find three good things about each one.

You can apply this method to anything. When you're feeling annoyed, irritated, frustrated, depressed, or any "negative" emotion, find three good things about feeling that way, and see what happens.

This idea is revolutionary. This is a revolutionary way to live. I dare you:  try it.

Creating Body Ease: The Love Your Body Series: Focus on What Works

What do you do when you're in a muddle, when it seems like nothing's working? How do you turn things around when you've gotten off track?

Here's an idea for you:  focus on what works. My husband recently attended a seminar with author/business consultant Verne Harnish. If a business is in a slump, he'll asks company executives, "Can you tell me about a time when things were going well?"

By focusing on a time when they were successful, companies often discover what they're doing wrong:  maybe they've let certain routines, disciplines, or behaviors slide. Maybe they've discounted a simple habit or practice that, in retrospect, was making a significant impact.

This reminds me of a scene from the movie Apollo 13, when the NASA scientists are assembled in a room, with everyone shouting about what has gone wrong with the launch. At this point, the situation looks hopeless. But the mission control commander, played by Ed Harris, makes an important distinction:  He silences his crew by telling them to stop telling him what's gone wrong. Instead, tell me what's working. Tell me what we have at our disposal to bring our astronauts home alive. 

I love this idea. I think it's brilliant in its simplicity.

I think of my own life, and how I often discount the small, mundane habits, that, in actuality, contribute significantly to my well-being, those good feelings about my body. Take eating breakfast first thing in the morning. I don't notice how much this small act helps my mood until I skip it. Then, when I'm starving and irritable, and I overeat at lunchtime because I'm over-hungry, the light bulb goes off:  eating breakfast makes me feel good. Same with sleep. I'll skimp on sleep for several nights until I start to feel weepy, emotional, and unstable. Then I go to bed early and wake up the next day feeling like a totally different person.

Here are some other ideas from my own life, habits that I notice lead to good feelings about my body, and about myself:

• Eating regular meals
• Limiting my media exposure (not reading lots of fashion magazines)
• Exercising, but not for vanity, but enjoyment:  to feel strong and alive
• Feeling connected to my spirit:  spending time in prayer, meditation, solitude, and with nature
• Pampering my body with a "girly" activity, such as painting my toes, or trying out new makeup colors
• Honoring my need for beauty:  getting dressed up and going out on a date with my husband, or simply taking the time to shower, style my hair, and get dressed
• Indulging my creative side with a movie, a novel, or a crafty activity like jewelry or card making
• Living with integrity:  being authentic (read: honest) about what I am and am not willing to do, and abiding by that
• Regular self-care and nurturing, such as taking a nap when I'm tired, or reaching out to a friend when I'm lonely
  

Okay, now it's your turn. Can you tell me about a time when you experienced success; when you felt great about your body? Can you be a detective of your habits, to uncover the behaviors, routines, and patterns that led to these good feelings? How can you incorporate those habits into your life? Is there something you can easily do today from your list? Can you think of ways to integrate another idea later this week?

In my case, my list has reaffirmed to me the importance of routine and discipline. It's easy to get off track, and dismiss something like eating breakfast or making jewelry as insignificant. What do they have to do with how I feel about my body?

In my experience, everything. I am a holistic creature, with many selves, where each influences the others. I'm a runner, a mother, a wife, a writer, a friend, a crafter, a spiritual seeker, a reader...and many more things. I ignore these individual aspects of my self at the expense of my entire self:  my spirit, and my feelings about myself as a person. These feelings don't disappear when I look in the mirror:  in fact, that's precisely where they do appear, especially if I've been ignoring my many selves.

Creating Body Ease: the Love Your Body Series: Deactivate Your Mindsets

"We are forced to dig past our usual shortcuts in thought and perception, past all the stock and trite responses we’ve accumulated around almost every event or situation, and to probe deeply into our own richer and subtler awarenesses, which is where the meaningful is to be found, found in every one of us!"
-Dr. Win Wenger

In Step One of the Love Your Body Series, I wrote about how our mental pictures influence our behavior. A mental picture is the image we carry of ourselves in our minds. How we see ourselves---and how others view us---can have a huge impact on how we treat our bodies. After all, body image is primarily made up of the thoughts in our heads---how we feel about our bodies---and often have very little to do with our bodies themselves.

Mental pictures aren't the only way our minds influence our behavior. We also carry around what author William Bridges calls mindsets: habitual patterns or reactions to triggers. Do you ever find yourself repeating the same act over and over again, even though the play itself---the external circumstances---are different? This is the power of a mindset. Our mindsets are often triggered by transitions, times of upheaval and change:  even positive ones.

As you travel the road to making peace with your body, you will go through many transitions, and they can trigger your mindsets. This was true for me. When I began my journey of body acceptance, I wanted to follow a simple, concrete linear path, where I traveled from point A (hating my body) to point B (loving my body), and then was done. But every journey is cylical. Cycles repeat themselves, even if they're at a deeper level.  And as they repeat themselves, our mindsets resurrect old feelings.

Here's a concrete example of this principle from my own life:  I am the controller/cashflow manager for my husband's business. When we first started out, I had incredible anxiety whenever checks were late, when we were hit with large bills, or when we had a slow month. Today, our business is in a totally different space. But whenever we have a slow month, my mindsets are triggered, bringing on a wave of anxiety, thoughts of "It's all going to pot."

I'll give you another example. This past winter, I gave birth to my fourth child. After he was born, I expected to easily lose my baby weight. Instead, I stayed heavy for nearly a year. This triggered many of my old anxieties about my body:  anxieties I thought I had healed. I began to panic, thinking that I would never lose the weight; that I would lose my body peace. Bingo:  I was triggering a mindset I thought I had left behind.

As you can see from my examples, your mindset can spark all sorts of feelings that have nothing to do with where you are today, but everything to do with how you reacted to a similar situation in the past. Mindsets can send you on a spiral, where you're sucked into negativity, obsessive thinking, anxiety, fear, worry, and hopelessness. So how do you turn down the volume, or turn off this inner diatribe?

You can use the power of your mind to your advantage---to make mindsets and mental pictures that are reflective of your values, and beliefs; to construct them so that they reinforce positive habits and behaviors. In my own life, I helped myself by putting on my pause button:  relaxing when the alarm bells went off. I did this by paying attention, by questioning my reaction, by asking myself, "Am I reacting to the present, or I am being triggered by my past experiences?"

Awareness and compassion are excellent tools for deactivating an outdated mindset. If you are aware of your mindsets, and if you can view them compassionately, then you are less liable to be hooked by them. Another way to deactivate your mindsets is by swapping in a new one. Spend time creating and meditating on a new mindset, and practice it:  perform dress rehearsals. Envision yourself facing a situation that triggers a painful mindset, such as being heavier than you'd like to be, or seeing signs of age in your body, or facing the flourescent lighting of a dressing room. Now rehearse how you'd like to react in this situation. Try on your mindset, in advance. Find ways to offer yourself kindness, compassion, and acceptance. See yourself in a situation that isn't ideal, and imagine yourself coping with grace and levity. See yourself at peace.

As Win Wenger says, when we probe our minds, we move from anxiety into "richer awareness." We are able to separate our feelings and reactions to an event from the event itself. Our hearts soften, we relax, our anxiety dissipates, the fear ebbs, and we create breathing room. Then we are able to open our hearts wide open, to accept and embrace the gift of whatever lies in front of us, or whatever lies in front of the mirror.

Creating Body Ease: the Love Your Body Series: Question Your Beauty Rules

"We need to understand that thoughts are tools. Are we using them as productively as we can? Are our thoughts serving us well, or are we their victims? It's up to us."
-Dr. Tom Morris

This step is about questioning the rules that determine how we feel about our appearance; how we define what is beautiful, or what is acceptable. It's also about questioning the source of these rules. We all obey--or believe---certain rules about how we see our bodies and our beauty, whether we are conscious of this or not. This rulebook is comprised of many "shoulds," "have tos," "can'ts,"  and "becauses."

Here are some of the rules that have governed my body:
I'm only beautiful if I'm model-thin.
I have to be a size four to look good in clothes.
My beauty has faded as I've gotten older.
I have to dress modestly. If I look sexy, I'm slutty.
I can't wear a two piece bathing suit unless I have a toned, flab-free stomach.
All runners are skinny. If I'm not skinny, I'm too big to be a runner.

Now it's your turn. Take a moment to reflect on the rules that you live by, in regards to your body. Can you make a list of your "shoulds?"

Your rules may be like mine:  a mental corset that keeps you from appreciating, loving, and accepting your body. How do you change this? A good place to start is to question where these rules originated. Rules were made by someone. The catch is that this someone usually isn't us. Rules are made and enforced by what Martha Beck refers to as our "everybody." Who is our everybody? It can be something large and amorphous, like the media, or your culture or community, whose definitions and messages you've internalized as your own. It can be your peers---your girlfriends, your co-workers, your college classmates. It can be a family member, a mother, a sister, or a boyfriends. It can be your own internal expectations. It can even be someone or something in your head:  your imagination gone haywire, imagining criticism where there is none.

In her excellent book Finding Your Own North Star, Martha Beck writes that our "everybody" is usually one or two people whose voice we have constructed into our internal police force.

Who is your everybody? My everybody has been different people throughout my life. As a child, I followed my mother's rules. In college, it was my peers, the frat boys who I thought only liked me when I had the perfect body, and disapproved of me when I gained weight. In my 20s, my everybody was fashion magazines whose beauty rules I absorbed as my own. Now, in my 30s, I am at a point where I am constructing, and disassembling, my rules. I am able to dismiss "everybody's" beauty rules when they bring me unhappiness, make me neurotic, or cause judgment. This has been an incredibly freeing thing.

When we are trapped in other people's rules, we are in a claustrophobic space; smothered by a narrow rigidity that gives us one or two options:  do this, and you're beautiful; or do that, and you're fat/ugly/unacceptable. But we can give ourselves choices. You can give yourself choices. This frees the confines of your mind, and, more importantly, your spirit. This gives you breathing room to relax, to morph, to change, to accept yourself in all of the phases of your beauty, and your life. You can even give yourself the flexibility to evolve, to outgrow your rules.

Take your list of rules. Ask yourself:  Does this rule help me? Is it serving me? Does following it make me feel good about myself? Then ask yourself these questions:  How would my life be different if I discarded this rule? What is a different rule that I can live by, instead?

When you make your own rules, and live by them, you will find an interesting paradox:  you will be unaffected by your "everybodys." Your everybody will become you:  your own internal guidance system. You will find, like I did, that media images no longer sway you, or even hold your interest. As I honor my own beauty ideal, regardless of what the world at large says is acceptable, fashionable, or beautiful, I find that I could care less what the style mavens say is in style. I don't read fashion magazines any more. I don't watch TV. I don't surf gossip sites. I have no clue what the latest celebrities are wearing. I abstain from pop culture because I no longer enjoy it. Instead, I'm taking all of the energy that I used to devote towards keeping up with fashion or trying to find my style into making my style, by living it.

As you honor and celebrate the glorious, feminine being that you are, revel in your unique likes and dislikes; your unique beauty. Discover what you like for yourself. Discover what makes you feel beautiful. Release the shackles that keep you bound to a rigid beauty ideal; an ideal that was never yours to begin with.

Creating Body Ease: the Love Your Body Series: Why You Should Get More Sleep

Have you ever heard that quote about the "difference between hope and despair being a good night's sleep?"

This past week, while on vacation with my family in San Diego, I could've been a guinea pig in a sleep deprivation study. Due to a combination of factors---late bedtimes and early morning risers; a sleepless baby; and the excitement of much to do---I spent the week tired and unrested. I noticed how much my attitude flagged with my fatigue. On days when I was rested, I felt positive, appreciative towards myself and my body. But when I was tired? I felt dumpy and frazzled.

When we approach something like loving our bodies, it's easy to overestimate the importance of big things, like changing our mental tapes, and underestimate the importance of seemingly little things:  sleep being foremost among them. But sleep isn't a small thing in the overall scheme of mental health. I've learned the hard way that I neglect my basic needs for rest, healthy, whole foods, exercise, time outdoors, and prayer to my own detriment.

Caring for yourself excellently means giving yourself strong roots:  a firm foundation that grounds you. Sleep grounds me. Lack of sleep is one of the quickest ways I become unmoored and fall prey to my inner critic. This situation is common among women, especially working mothers, mothers of young children, and caretakers of older parents:  we are a chronically sleep deprived lot.

This does not bode well for loving your body. If you are tired, you won't have the will power or strength to make choices that empower you. You'll go for the quick fix---the donut; the fast food---because you're too tired to make a meal that meets your need for both taste and nutrition. You won't feel motivated to exercise. You will look in the mirror and see a tired, haggard woman staring back at you. You'll hate everything in your closet. This will not help you appreciate your unique beauty.

We think we can go, go, go and keep pushing ourselves onward and upward. But, if you're like me, your body reaches a point where it won't be pushed anymore. This usually manifests as illness (in this way my body demands the rest it needs) or a feeling that something's amiss; what I call feeling inside-out, as if you're a garment that's turned the wrong way. 

Sleep restores our equilibrium. It restores our optimism, our compassion, and our patience. After a good night's sleep, I saw a different body in the mirror. My body hadn't changed; my attitude, however, had. This is the power of rest.

Creating Body Ease: the Love Your Body Series: Know Your True Value

Here is the dilemma of the day:  Every woman wants to feel beautiful, pretty and attractive. This is a natural human desire, as we also crave love, abundance, and joy. Yet, our desire for beauty can also cause us pain and suffering. If we think that our body has to look a certain way to be beautiful, then whenever our body doesn't match this internal image---when we've gained a few, or more than a few, pounds; when our skin develops wrinkles, age spots, and sagging; when we're unkempt and dowdy in our sweats or old ratty clothes---we feel dissonant, lacking, and anxious, because our external package doesn't match these internal criteria. When this happens, we don't feel beautiful, and this pain morphs into an insatiable restlessness. It's this restlessness that drives us into the arms of the newest diet book, plastic surgeon, the shopping mall, and even self help books, a self improvement program, or a spiritual guru.

What we're looking for is "the answer;" we're so hopeful that we'll finally find the thing that will put us back together again. All of these things, shopping, dieting, seeking---and many others---temporarily quell this restlessness. They ease our anxiety and discomfort with the present moment, where we are so desperate to change what is, where we are, and what we look like, that we will grasp at anything to ease these uncomfortable feelings.

The problem is that the restlessness that temporarily abated? It returns. The new outfit that made us feel so pretty, or "skinny?" One day it doesn't work anymore. It gets a stain or pills; we look in the mirror and we change our minds:  our skinny jeans make our butt look big, not small. The diet stops working. Or it does work, and we find that losing those extra 10 pounds doesn't make us feel any better. So we need to lose 10 more. And ten more. And ten more. We may even achieve outward success---we get the facelift---but it's mood lift is temporary.  What happens when you get what you want and you find out that it doesn't bring you the happiness and the peace that you sought?

So then what do we do? We add onto the list, thinking that the problem is that we need to do more---our eyebrows need shaping; we need to lift weights in addition to the cardio; and what about a new haircut? not realizing that our method is what's at fault, and not the extent of its application.

My friends, what we're really doing is painting a burning house. We are fighting reality. We are trying to control something that can't be controlled, and our impotence drives us mad.

Our bodies are burning. They do not last. They will change and morph and age and someday die. That is true for you, and for me, and for everyone.

But it is also true that we are not our bodies. Our overidentification with our bodies is what causes us this tremendous pain in the first place. We are spiritual beings. Our true nature is our immortal spirit, and that does not die. And if we can shift our consciousness, and see ourselves---and others---for who they really are, then the body steps by the wayside, and you will be delighted and amazed at how little you think about your body at all.

I know this sounds contradictory. After all, one of the first steps I advise, (and one of the first things that I did when I was trying to change how I felt about my body), is to make the effort to get dressed. If you're feeling badly about your body or your self-image, taking the time to assemble a flattering outfit, take a shower, and groom your hair and face can make all of the difference. It's a perk that can boost your spirits into a higher place, where you feel better about yourself.

I believe this is a valuable trick, and one that has its place. I've written about it  several times on First Ourselves, and suggest it often to my friends.

But, in my experience, there comes a time and place where you have to be comfortable with who you are, without the external trappings. You have to come to a point of acceptance about what your physical body can, and can't do. (Yes, it can look beautiful. But no, this can't make up for feelings of unworthiness.) You have to come to a point of acceptance about what a new eyeshadow or even a nose job can and can't do. What it can do is give you a temporary boost. What it can't do is offer permanent peace.

It can't offer permanent peace because, as Eckhart Tolle writes, "the end and the means are intertwined." The end result---peace about ourselves, our appearance, and our bodies---can't wait until the end:  when you've achieved your goal weight; when you've toned your tummy; when you've erased the wrinkles. It has to be a part of the process. This means feeling good about yourself and your appearance no matter what you see in the mirror.

How do you do this? You do this by releasing your attachment to looking a certain way.

This is all new territory for me. For most of my life, I disliked, hated, and didn't accept my body. I wanted it to be different. I felt ashamed for its urges and its desires. I was embarrassed by its sexuality and its humanity. I was uncomfortable being beautiful, being ugly, being anything in between.

But these days, much of the time, what I notice is a complete absence of my thoughts of my body it all. I just don't think about it. I am remarkably comfortable being unmade up; most days I am more concerned with writing, going for a run, or connecting with my children than taking the 30 minutes to shower, style my hair, and put on makeup. This is not to say that I don't enjoy getting ready when I take the time to do so. Last Friday night, I put on some jewelry, a pretty outfit, and groomed myself for a benefit dinner. I enjoyed feeling feminine and pretty.

The difference is that I was unattached to it. The next day, I wore my sweats and tackled household chores all day. I didn't feel pretty, but I didn't feel badly about this because I didn't need to feel pretty. I'm thinking of what Lao Tzu wrote, in The Tao of Peace, how "Great trouble comes from not knowing what is enough. Great conflict arises from wanting too much. When we know when enough is enough, there will always be enough."

Knowing when enough is enough is knowing that you are okay and lovable and perfectly acceptable and, yes, beautiful, whether you have zits on your face or wrinkles or gray hair or whether you rival a supermodel. Knowing when enough is enough is feeling good about yourself no matter what version of "you" you see in the mirror. Knowing when enough is enough is being able to sit with yourself, in this present moment, without having to run away from the restlessness that would have you believe that you aren't okay, just as you are.

Creating Body Ease: the Love Your Body Series: Trust Yourself

Someone posed this question to me yesterday:  How do you know what to eat? For every diet, there's a counterpart, claiming its opposite. Likewise, how do you know which exercise program you should follow? What about supplements? Alternative medicine?

We are fortunate to live in a time of multiple options for health care, food, and lifestyle. But our depth of choices can also lead to overwhelment.

For years, I was a diet book junkie; I've read and tried them all. I was a sucker for the magazine cover that proclaimed, "Lose 10 pounds in ten days." Or, "The Best Foods to Fight Depression." Diets were hope in a book:  finally, I had a solution to my problem.

Until.... the diet didn't produce the nirvana I sought, and hope turned to frustration; then, to despair.

The alternative was trusting myself to know what to eat, when to exercise, or even knowing whether or not my "ideal weight" was realistic and attainable. (The ego, you see, would have me on a constant diet/beauty regimen until I was "perfect," and even then, it wouldn't be satisifed. I lived this way for years, and wouldn't wish this hell on any woman.)

I knew this was the way to go. And I knew, unlike the latest diet, this way of living would bring me peace:  peace from my need to control my body, and its desires. But this process was scary. It felt risky, for if I don't trust myself enough to make supportive choices---relying on my internal guidance---how can I survive without the external guidance; the food lists, diet phases, and meal guidelines?

But this is exactly the risk that I had to take. I stumbled upon this quote today:  "Progress always involves risk. You can't steal 2nd base and keep your foot on first."

It took me a long time to switch from external guidance to internal guidance. I had to let go of my rigidity:  my extreme expectations for my body (only a size 4 will do), my food choices (You can never have carbs!), and for myself in general (you're a bad mother whenever you lose it with your children.)

I spent months veering from one extreme to the other, where I let myself eat whatever I wanted to, because I could, but making choices that didn't make me feel good (read:  lots and lots of sugar.) Then I would feel so badly that I would veer to the other extreme, which meant going back to the food lists and diet restrictions. Now, I've found a healthy balance. Yes, I'm disciplined about not eating foods that make me feel lousy, like sugar and white flour products. But, I embrace discipline with equal freedom:  I can eat more than just salad and chicken breasts. If my pants are tight, I change them:  I don't freak out about a few extra pounds or believe there's something wrong with me. (What's wrong are the pants, not my body.) What's remarkable about this way of living is how much I don't think about food, calories, my appearance, my body, my size, or my looks.

What's happened, is that as I trust myself, I love myself. As I love myself, I accept myself. As I accept myself, I am comfortable with myself. This means I don't feel a need to change myself to feel okay about who I am:  the false hope I sought in all of those dozens of diets.

The coolest thing about this process is how trusting myself with my food and health habits carried over into every other area of my life. As I relaxed about my weight, I relaxed about my messy house. As I relaxed about going to a party with "forbidden foods" a-plenty, I relaxed about attending a party full of intimidating people. As I relaxed about my food choices, I relaxed about my other choices.

It's a beautiful, symbiotic circle, that blossoms and grows and expands with each turn of the wheel. Learning to trust myself on the small things enables me to trust myself with the big things:  decisions beyond chicken vs. risotto; choices that are not so much about what I eat, or how I feel, but about how I live my very life.

Creating Body Ease: The Love Your Body Series: How to Love Your Body

Many women who want to love their bodies, myself included, go about it backwards:  they treat it as an if, then proposition:  When I lose weight, then I'll love my body. This makes for a hard, hard road.

Here's why:  If you've done any reading about the Law of Attraction, (as presented in The Secret or the Abraham teachings,) then you know that we are co-creators of our reality:  our thoughts, both good and bad, create the circumstances of our lives.

If you want to create love for your body, and attain the peace that comes with it, one of the easiest ways to manifest this desire is to think about the essence of what you want; to be unattached to the outer form in which it appears. This means letting go of a number on a scale, a clothing size, or a wrinkle free face. Instead, dig underneath that desire for a better looking body (however you define it) to find the essence of what you want.

What's the essence? I think what you really want is self acceptance. What you really desire---the motivation behind the wish for weight loss, a more youthful complexion, or a toned body---is to feel good. To look in the mirror and like what you see. To go clothes shopping and feel terrific. To frolic on the beach in your bathing suit with ease. To go to a party filled with other women and not feel envious or lacking in comparison.

Here's the kicker:  those feelings have absolutely nothing to do with what you see in the mirror. Those feelings have everything to do with what's in your head. I think of when I looked my physical best, at least according to Hollywood's standards, when I was an emaciated 19 year old. Did I feel pretty? Um, no:  I still had a long list of things to "fix" before I felt thin and beautiful. By contrast, when I've felt the most beautiful is after giving birth to my children, when I'm naked, unstyled, flabby, sweaty, and make-up free.

Here's the good news:  You can give yourself those feelings of body love without losing weight, getting a face lift, or tightening your butt. You can give yourself those feelings by loving and accepting your body as it is, now.

Here's even better news:  By giving yourself the essence of what you want, first, your body will naturally cooperate and evolve to be its best self:  the best you that you can be. If you are over or underweight, your weight will stabilize at its natural set point:   the place where your body looks its best. If your body looks icky from poor health or bad habits, it will become more beautiful through self love, as a result of your tender loving care.

How? Let me explain.

It's all a matter of motivation:  Are you trying to look your best in order to compete with other women? Are you pursuing health for appearance only, for vanity? Are you willing yourself, fighting yourself, in an effort to control your eating, control your ageing, or control your body? Is your ego in charge?

I've lived this way---under the thumb of my ego, my vanity, and my need to be better than others. It's what kept me nuts, trying to be a size 4; trying to lose my baby weight as quickly as possible; trying to fight the changes of pregnancy, age, and motherhood.

Compare those motivations to those that come from love, your higher self; motivations that are driven by your higher good:  Giving yourself enough nourishing, delicious, healthy food, that offers nutrition and pleasure.  A body that loves to be used and appreciated, whether it be its physicality or its sexuality. A desire to let your inner beauty shine outward. A healthy appreciation for your outer physical beauty, yet one that is free of attachments, and flexible to accept the changes that come.

Doesn't that sound like a better way to live?  Doesn't it feel freer; more joyful?

Vanity, you see, is a terrible motivator, because it's never, ever satisfied. The will isn't any better: forcing yourself to do something that you really don't want to do, or forcing yourself to do something that harms your body, can never last over the long term. The ego is even worse, because it keeps you fearful and neurotic:  even if you lose the weight or get the Botox, it will immediately start harping and fretting over the regain of the lost pounds or the return of the frown lines.

How do you get off this track? Tap into the essence of what you want. Spend time meditating on what loving your body feels like:  Can you remember a time when you felt okay about your appearance? Sit with those feelings until you feel them in your body. Bring about the essence and feel it:  in your gut, your heart, and your mind. Now, can you give yourself that gift, that essence of acceptance and self love, to your body as it is, right now, in this moment?

That is love. And following love, not your will, is the quickest, easiest path to changing habits that harm your body. If you love your body, and love yourself, looking your best will happen naturally, organically, without extraordinary amounts of will and effort. You won't need to find motivation to exercise, or eat foods that make you feel good:  you will automatically do these things as a consequence of self love. You won't stuff yourself with food until you feel sick. You won't starve yourself, either. You will give your body what it wants:  a variety of foods and textures. More importantly, you'll trust yourself to give yourself these things, and silence the critical voice that goes ballistic when you enjoy a piece of pizza.

As you trust yourself, and honor yourself, and treat your body like the precious creature that it is, this becomes a regular pattern that feeds your self love, until it becomes a mutually benefical cycle:  as your self love grows, then your self care increases; as your self care and self love increases, your body looks better than ever; and as your body looks great, you feel more love towards your body, and yourself, which only increases your self care.... And then a beautiful thing happens:  your body will find its natural set point/equilibrium:  where it looks its best, as a naturally, unfolding consequence of kindness. Just as a house that is loved and cared for will looks its best, as you treat yourself kindly, your body shines from the love and care you bestow upon it.

When love is your motivation, you'll know whether to lose weight, gain weight, eat more, eat less, exercise more, exercise less. You'll know when your body needs a day off, and you'll rest, instead of pushing yourself on the elliptical machine. What's even better is that you'll be able to rest without your inner critic/taskmaster going haywire: ("You need to go to the gym or you'll get fat!") You'll know whether you are loving yourself or you are berating yourself. (Berating yourself is doing something because you think you should---because you feel like you have to. Loving yourself is doing something because you want to.)

Which do you choose:  the will, or the heart? Vanity, or acceptance? Hatred, or love?

Join The Love Your Body Revolution

I stumbled across a fantastic idea that I wanted to share:  the love your body revolution at We Bite Back.
We Bite Back is a site offering encouragement and support to women who've suffered from anorexia.

But this experiment isn't just for former anorexics. Whether you've ever had an eating disorder, or whether you just dislike your saddlebags, you can join the post it note revolution. Here's how you do it:  put a post it note with a body positive message in a public space. Take a picture of your note, and email it to We Bite Back. They post photos of the notes and update a map with places where notes have appeared. Click here to view a map of notes from around the world.

I love this idea, because it feels a bit sly, like secretly delivering May Day baskets to your neighbors, and hiding behind the next house to watch their surprised reaction. It reminds me of finding a fake $10,000 bill in a Las Vegas bathroom with an attached note that said, "Keep dreaming your dreams." I felt like I had stumbled upon a fairy, or a kindred spirit. I smiled for days, whenever I thought about it.

So I challenge you:  join the revolution. It's something that's dear to my heart:  my mission is to free women from body bondage; to release women from thoughts about their bodies or weight loss or their appearance and to think, instead, about how they can make their unique contribution to the world, or how to dust off those buried dreams and bring them to fruition.

So go ahead:  post a note. You may make a woman's day; and keep her smiling. And I guarantee:  you'll keep yourself smiling, too.

Creating Body Ease: The Love Your Body Series: How to Navigate our Modern Beauty Culture

My approach to helping women, and myself, love their bodies, is to accept total, 100% responsibility for our body loathing. I don't advocate blaming the media, the fashion industry, Hollywood, or the diet industry for our feelings of shame and inadequacy about our bodies. I say this knowing that the media and our society as a whole puts terrible pressure on women to look a certain way. And I know that this pressure causes much pain for women, as it did for me.

But, ultimately, the choice to love and accept our bodies is ours, and ours alone.

However....while I don't believe in blaming our unhappiness on others, I think it's important to be aware of how the media and society frame our perceptions of our bodies. You can't get to where you want to be---self love---unless you can see where you've been; why you've been. You probably know where you've been. Now let's explore the why.

Why is about creating awareness; not blame. Awareness and blame are two totally different things. Blame is putting someone else in the driver's seat. Blame is absolving yourself of any responsbility for your beliefs or your behavior.

Awareness, by contrast, is recognizing the influences that shape your beliefs and behavior. Awareness puts you in the driver's seat. Awareness is about education, empowerment, and enlightenment.

So what influences affect a woman's perception of herself in today's culture?

Here's the truth:  Our culture is weight obsessed; neurotic; and eating disordered. When I say eating disordered, I mean that our current ideal female prototype is that of a woman with an eating disorder:  a super thin body that for 99.9% of us, is impossible in our natural state. (Yes, there are some women who are naturally---and beautifully---that thin. They shouldn't feel badly for being who they are, just as a woman whose natural body shape is curvy or muscular---and beautiful at that size---shouldn't feel badly for being who she is.)

One definition of an eating disorder is striving for a body that is thinner than necessary for health. And that is exactly what we're facing and seeing, in magazines, actresses, musicians, celebrities, and athletes. We've faced it for so long, we're so used to these images, that we are unaware of just how screwed up this definition of beauty is. We are desensitized.

The saddest evidence of our culture's absurdity is that pregnant women aren't even allowed to look pregnant anymore---the highest compliment an expectant woman gets is that "she doesn't even look pregnant," as if the ideal maternal shape is one that disguises the growing life within. And postpartum, as we see celebrities shrink back to their prepregnant size in record time, we feel concerned when our weight loss is more prolonged.

This absurdity is not just about body size. As technologies improve and become more rampant, women feel great pressure to stay youthful looking. Looking your age is considered an insult. No wonder women are so hard on themselves.

It's important to be aware of how screwy modern beauty standards have become, because if you don't realize that this beauty ideal is unhealthy and unnatural, you can't have a realistic view of yourself. You'll see yourself through the lens of this absurdity, and then wonder why you feel so lacking in comparison. You'll feel like there's something wrong with you when there's nothing wrong with you:  there's something wrong with these crazy, impossible beauty standards.

This is why it feels so absurd when certain celebrities are called "fat," women who are a size 6 vs. a 2. What's absurd is the definition of beauty---calling a woman who isn't as thin as a rail curvy, fat, or large---not the woman herself. It is a case of the emperor's new clothes; we are not talking about reality, here.

And when you come down to it, it's actually quite funny. It's ludicrious. But it's not so funny when we buy it. And for the millions of girls and tweens who don't know any better:  devastating.

The first step is to become aware:  to know what you're up against. And then you work on transforming that idea for yourself:  create your own beauty ideal. Ignore what the media or fashion industry or Hollywood touts as acceptable. When you're comfortable with who you are; when you're comfortable in  your skin, you will become a beacon---a light---to other women. They will gravitate to you, and wonder how you do it. You will be a role model for all of those young girls who are confused by those media images; who don't understand that they are insane.

The second step is to separate yourself from the images that bombard you. I love movies. I watch a zillion of them. But I do so in a detached manner. I know that movies aren't reality. If I see an overly thin actress, I'm quite objective about it. I recognize that she's overly thin, but I'm able to stop there:  I don't feel compelled to be like her. This is a recent development; this wasn't always the case. It took much work in learning to love myself to be at this point.

The third step is to create your own happiness, separate from the constant media pull. The biggest way you can minimize the media's influence is by living your own, full life. So many times the media becomes a substitution for living:  we vicariously experience life by watching it on screen, instead of participating in it ourselves.

We don't have TV in our home. (We have a TV, but we only use it for movies and documentaries.) And aside from Oprah, I don't miss TV. Ever. I'm clueless about new, hot recording artists. I don't know who's a finalist on American Idol. I don't know which celebrity couple is a hot item. I don't know the latest gossip or what Jessica Alba likes to do in her free time. 

But here's what I do know:  I know what music, clothes, and foods I like. I know myself intimately. I know my husband intimately. I know what I like to do in my free time. I know what's going on in the lives of my loved ones.

And that's what matters.

Instead of watching others fulfill their lives, I fulfill my own. I fill my life with things that bring me true joy:  running, reading, eating a wonderful meal together with loved ones, connecting with girlfriends, making love to my husband (much more fun that watching it onscreen!), playing with my children, going for bike rides, swimming on a hot day; shopping a Farmer's Market for beautiful vegetables. I'm so busy enjoying my life that I don't have the time or desire to keep up with what others are doing with theirs.

And that is true freedom. That is living. I don't feel bound by our society's quirky, insane (yes, they really are insane) definitions of beauty. I am a beautiful, strong, fit, size 8 woman. I do not have to lose 15 pounds and squeeze into a 4 to be okay. That's somebody else's definition. Not mine. And the more I am okay with my own definition, the more it doesn't matter what others think or proclaim. That's really what this whole deal is about:  accepting yourself, as you are, right now. Then you recognize what other people's definitions of beauty are, whether they're from the media or another woman:  their own, and have absolutely nothing to do with you.

Creating Body Ease: The Love Your Body Series: Make One Change at a Time

The Love Your Body series has received such a positive response, that I decided to continue it indefinitely. Once a week, I'll add another step.

This week, we're exploring growth and change; or rather, how to manage the everevolving scope of growth and change. As John O' Donohue wrote, "Though the human body is born complete in one moment, the birth of the human heart is an ongoing process." We never stop growing. Loving our bodies is a lifelong journey.

This can feel overwhelming, especially for those of us who like a finish line, or a stopping point:  a time when we can cross something off the list, and say, "Done."

Here's how I manage growth's neverending nature:  I make one change at a time. In my experience, food and body issues come in pairs, or triplets. Usually, if you have a poor body image, then you may have accompanying habits, such as undereating, stringent dieting, or overeating. That was true for me. I had it all:  a screwed up relationship with food, overeating, undereating, food addiction, a poor body image, and low self esteem. But just because you have more than one issue doesn't mean that you should tackle them all at once.

This would topple even the most devoted, ardent woman.

I would begin with one habit. And make it a goodie:  tackle the habit that is causing you the most pain. If you conquer your biggest challenge, you'll also release the massive amounts of negative energy behind it. It will feel like removing an enormous boulder from your path. In my case, my boulder was my sugar addiction. I put aside my other goals---losing the extra pounds that were a consequence of my sugar binges; loving my body; eating breakfast earlier; exercising more regularly---in order to exclusively focus on removing sugar from my life.

Why did I approach growth in this way?

1. Growth is messy. It comes in fits and starts. It means enduring the jostling and bumpy ride while you climb out of your rut. This is disorienting and unmooring. Best to take one rut at a time.
2. Growth can feel like you're moving backwards. Sometimes achieving one goal means putting another aside. For example, achieving sugar abstinence meant that I had to make sure I was never hungry; otherwise, I would be too tempted to eat sugar. This meant that I had to put aside my weight loss goals, and even accept the possibility of gaining weight, to focus on conquering my sugar addiction. Likewise, if you've been starving yourself, and you're embracing a path of normal eating, accept that your weight may go wacky for a while until your metabolism returns to normal.
3. Growth can be painful. For me, detoxing off sugar is like coming off a drug. I'm irritable, weepy, emotional, and tired. This is not the time to be tackling a major project. It takes all my effort to resist sugar's siren song; I need all my reserves, rather than scattering them towards another goal.
4. Growth's cycle of success propels you forward. As you adapt to one change at a time, you gain confidence; confidence that you will use when approaching your next transition. Use this momentum to your advantage.

So where will you start?

Start somewhere, with one change. And then add another. And another, until your string of successes forms a new foundation, a new rut---a positive rut---by which you steer.

Creating Body Ease: The Love Your Body Series: Help Other Women Love Their Bodies

As you heal your body image, its effects will reverberate throughout your life. You will be a changed woman. You will be free and clear:  free to accept yourself, and others, without condition. You will be a beacon, illuminating the path for women who will follow in your footsteps. You will be a woman of peace.

While I encourage you to make loving your body and self-care integral parts of your life, I'm not telling you to stop there. We are constantly growing, evolving, and expanding. As you move from body bashing to body acceptance, let the world know. Share your knowledge with other women. Educate your daughters and nieces. Proclaim your victory. Pass it on.

And then, give back.

Most spiritual traditions encourage their members to tithe:  to give away a portion of their abundance (money, talents, and time) to spiritual causes and those in need. It's a powerful practice. Giving without any expectation creates feelings of gratitude, abundance, and joy. Tithing connects you to your higher self, by serving as a reminder that all that you have, ultimately, comes from God. It also aligns you with your higher purpose:  sending a check to a cause that speaks to your deepest self creates integrity, because it's matching your behavior to your beliefs.

Abundance comes in many forms. Health is one. Joy, another. Freedom. Deep and complete acceptance of oneself:  that is richness, indeed. As you come to a place of peace about your body, food, and your self-worth, I encourage you to tithe your abundance by helping other women do the same. As you give back and help others, it creates a ripple effect:  Have you heard of Malcolm Gladwell's book The Tipping Point? He describes a point in time where an idea gathers enough momentum that it effects change on a massive level. What happens when we reach the tipping point, when enough women love their bodies to effect a transformation? We change the world. When enough women love and accept themselves, and don't believe they have to be "fixed" to be okay, then little girls and young teens will be raised in an atmosphere where they will be able to love and accept themselves. Women who love and accept themselves will glory in their bodies as they age; not fret and worry and pick at their bodies for changing.

But giving to others benefits the giver, as well as the receiver. As you encourage women on their quest, it gives you strength to continue on your own journey. You will have days when those old familiar fat feelings will creep into your consciousness. We all do. Helping another is a powerful antidote to a hyperfocus on one's own body. I've seen this manifest in my own life:  as I write and encourage others, I benefit, as well.

So how do you give back? How do you tithe something intangible, like self love or body acceptance? Here are some suggestions:

• Are you one of those women who knows how to look good? Are you a makeup pro? Do you have knowledge about colors and clothing, and how to flatter your body type? Offer to help another woman find her style.
• Clean out your closet, jewelry box and make-up drawer. That lipstick you bought and never wore? Maybe it would look smashing on a girlfriend. Release clothes and accessories that don't fit or flatter you: donate them to a thrift store, a woman's shelter, Dress for Success, or to a woman whom they do flatter. Pare down your wardrobe to what you actually wear, to what you adore, and to what looks good on you, even it means winnowing your closet down to a few choices. I wrote here about creating a vacuum. I did this with my clothes this summer, and it was one of the best things I've ever done. Although my summer wardrobe was spare, getting dressed was a breeze:  everything in my closet coordinated together, and, and more importantly, I had something to wear everyday that I really liked.
• As you give yourself new clothes, beauty treatments, and other pampering, treat the women in your life, as well. I love giving my girlfriends and family gift certificates to a favorite clothing store, or a pedicure at a spa for a present.
• Compliment other women. I make it a habit to compliment at least one woman a day. Women, at their worst, can be competitive and cruel:  we view other women as a threat to our self esteem. But we can all be beautiful, successful, and smashing. There's enough to go around. Your beauty doesn't detract from another woman's, and her beauty doesn't detract from yours. One of the easiest ways to tame feelings of envy is to shortcircuit them. That woman who has the killer body at the gym? Compliment her on it. Your neighbor who has a wardrobe that could rival a socialite's? Praise her for it. Your sister-in-law who always manages to look pulled together, even with small children in tow? Ask her how she does it. Make the woman who has it all your friend, not your enemy.
• When a woman criticizes her body, or is disdainful towards her appearance, boost her spirits. Remind her of what you love about her. Show her how you see her through your eyes. We are so much harder on ourselves than other people are. When a friend is unable to love and accept herself, show her love and acceptance in your treatment of her. Hold the gap for her until she is able to cross the bridge on her own.
• Share your story with the next generation. I find opportunities---teachable moments---to talk about my body with my daughters. For example, if I'm looking at a magazine, and my daughters comment on a picture of an airbrushed woman, I'll point out how the woman is made to look different than she really is. At the same time, I let them witness the relish I take in my body:  the thrill of getting made-up for a night out, the joy of new clothes, the satisfaction of a hard, sweaty run. One of the easiest ways to teach children is by talking outloud. When I go clothes shopping, and a pair of pants are snug, I say, "These feel tight. I think I need a bigger size." Or, when I'm feeling lightheaded in the afternoon, I'll say, "I'm feeling irritable. I think I'm hungry, so I'm going to get myself a snack." Talking outloud shows my girls how I take care of myself, so that they learn how to take care of themselves, too. I don't stop at my daughters, either. When I overheard a darling twelve year old girl bemoaning how "fat" she was at a store, I took the opportunity to tell her how beautiful she was.
• Follow your bliss. As you create opportunities for joy, you become a light for other women, inspiring them to do the same. We all need role models. I have many:  I think of a friend who manages to indulge her love for travel and adventure while caring for three young children; another mom who makes time for two and three hour bike rides, a balm to her spirit; another friend whose love of fashion led her to open a shoe boutique that lets other women find their inner fashionista. What makes you happy? Where's your bliss? I know that in my own life, there is an intangible connection between creating joy and feeling good about my body:  they usually go together. When I'm feeling deprived, my body is usually the scapegoat, and the one to take the beating.
• The next time a group of girlfriends begins a body bashing session, change the subject. Dare to be different; dare to stand up for a new way of being. Dare to admit your love for your body, and watch jaws drop. And then watch as women beg for answers.
• Support women in their quest for freedom. When I receive newsletters from my favorite charities, organizations like CARE and Women for Women International, I forget about myself, my issues, and my neuroses. There's nothing like a desire to help others in need that severs thoughts about a few extra pounds.

Those are my ideas. I'm sure you have your own. I'd love to hear them. How do you pass along the light of body love? Email me at karlyp@firstourselves.com.

Creating Body Ease: The Love Your Body Series: Enjoy The Journey

Hating your body is a spiritual issue. Although it manifests in the physical, its roots stem from a denial of the spiritual:  your innate goodness, worthiness, and divinity.

And the more I travel on the path to self acceptance, the more I understand this truth:  hating your body is no different than any other stumbling block. They share a common purpose:  they're all pathways to God. In the end, we're only here to learn how to love, both ourselves, and others.  What greater reason for life than love itself? What greater reason to cherish your body, your vessel?

When I was in the thick of my body image struggle, frustrated at how this issue kept reappearing in my life, I was exhausted by my inner tapes:  the tapes that told me what to eat or what to look like. I was equally tired of trying to transform my tapes into something positive.

What I really wanted was to stop thinking about my body at all. I wanted to escape from my "stuff." Why couldn't I deal with alcoholism, or a difficult relationship for a while? You may laugh at me, but I share this story to demonstrate how the grass is always greener:  even someone else's pain looks better than your own.

If you've visited First Ourselves before, you'll know that my message is to embrace your stuff as your greatest teacher. When I embraced my body image stuff, welcoming its lessons, I found my gold: a  connection with my spirit.

My connection had been severed, for years. We are born craving that connection. Without it, we wither and fall prey to lies. My lie was that I had to be skinny, young, beautiful---perfect---to be acceptable. Underneath my desire to accept my body was my desire to accept myself. When I welcomed my body image issues, offering myself up to the lessons they had to teach me, I reclaimed my spiritual connection.

And here's the breathtaking genius of it all:  If I had never hated my body, I never would have found my peace. My void might still be empty. I could still be searching.

What a gift.

Hating your body is God waking you up, bringing attention to your void. Until you fill that void, it won't matter how many pedicures you get, or how many pounds you lose:  you'll never be satisfied. Until you fill that void, you'll never feel beautiful...for long.

That is why I believe this work, loving your body, is important. It's about discovering your true worth. It's about filling your void with something lasting, and something true. It's about uncovering the inner radiance, to match the outer.

If you hate your body, embrace it as your pathway to God. Don't question your issues. Don't wish for a different one. It's all part of the perfect, unfolding plan, to bring you back to yourself. Beating yourself up with statements like, "Why do I care so much about what I weigh or what I look like? It's vain and selfish," is counterproductive. Because it does matter. If matters because these feelings are holding you back, shielding you from your true worth.

Instead of looking at your body image issues with fear, anger, or disgust, embrace them with compassion. Approach yourself with curiousity:  Why do I feel this way? What beliefs do I harbor that cause me to believe such lies?

Follow the questions. Don't demean this work as trivial. If body hatred is consuming your thoughts and keeping you from experiencing the full measure of who you are, it matters. If it's preventing you from being happy in the present moment, it's worthy of exploration, time and attention.

It takes courage to face who you are:  to face and release the lies that hold you back. If body hatred is holding you back, accept it as a glorious invitation:  an invitation to dive into yourself.

Creating Body Ease: The Love Your Body Series: Examine Your Triggers and Include Yourself in Your Definition of Beautiful

In step three in the love your body series, I wrote about eliminating or reducing your exposure to triggers:  those images, people, or situations that make you feel badly about your body. Now that you've traveled some distance in your acceptance of your body, I believe you're ready for steps eight and nine:  examining your triggers and rewriting your definition of beauty.

I didn't jump into these tasks after step three because you probably weren't ready. My first priority was to remove your triggers to give you breathing room:  a vacation from those negative harpies that decimate your self-esteem. Now that you're stronger, I believe you can face those triggers, and turn them around.

Step Eight:  Examine Your Triggers

Do you have your list of triggers from step three? Divide them into three piles:

1. People
Are there certain people that make you feel badly about your body:  co-workers, relatives, girlfriends? Is it a person that criticizes your body or has criticized your body in the past? Is it someone to whom you (unfavorably) compare yourself? Is it someone who bashes their body and makes you feel like you need to join in?

2. Places
What places or events trigger you? Is it a fancy social situation, where you have to wear more formal, or form fitting clothing, than you usually wear? Is it a "big" event like a college or high school reunion, where you feel sized up by your peers? Is it wearing a bathing suit? Is it in the bedroom, with your lover? Is it clothes shopping and seeing yourself in dressing room mirrors?

3. Media
Do certain actresses make you feel bad? TV shows or movies? What about magazines, advertisements, or window displays? Websites? Do you spend a lot of time comparing yourself to celebrities?

Look at your lists. Do you notice any patterns? Any overlap? How do you feel in your body? Do the thoughts of certain friends make you feel heavy? Do certain situations cause a tightness in your chest, a fluttering feeling of anxiety, or muscle tightening? That's great:   these are clues. Your body is giving you hints:  do more of this; stay away from that. Your body's clues can also serve as markers for the hidden beliefs that set your triggers in motion. 

Our ultimate goal is not to isolate you from your triggers:  you can't run away from the world. Our goal is to locate the reasoning behind your triggers, so you can disarm them. Your triggers are only able to affect you as long as they reflect an internal belief that finds you lacking. In this manner, your triggers are guideposts, pinpointing a (limited) definition of beauty. When another woman triggers you into feelings of fatness, ugliness, or frumpiness, it's because you're applying their standard of beauty to yourself, and omitting your body in that definition. So of course you feel bad:  your comparisons create stress, which feels like sadness, tightness in the chest, anxiety, depression, fear, hatred, disgust, or envy.

I'll give you an example from my own life. I encourage you to apply these same steps to your triggers, to uncover the false beliefs that abide with them.

My trigger:  Vogue magazine
I love fashion, and have since I was a girl. For years, I ritually read dozens of magazines, every month. I even covered fashion for a newspaper. But surrounding myself with images of extremely thin women triggered feelings of fatness and inferiority in me.

Here's what happened, internally, when I read Vogue:  I would see an extremely thin, beautiful model. And I would look at myself and think I was fat and ugly by comparison. I would look at the beautiful clothes, and because they were on rail thin women, I would think that I couldn't wear those clothes unless I were rail thin, too.

So my stress was caused not by the models themselves but by what they represented:  a woman who could wear anything; at least, in my mind. But let's turn that thinking around:  What if I gave myself permission to wear high fashion, even if I'm not a size 2? The models aren't the problem. The problem is that I exclude myself from something that brings me tremendous joy and delight. 

My body isn't the problem, either. My thoughts about my body are what's causing me pain, and preventing me from indulging my inner fashionista.

The fashion industry is also not the problem. (I know this a tough one to swallow:  but my focus is on what we can change---ourselves---rather than what we can't change---other people.) A designer may say my body is too big for his clothes. Who cares what a designer thinks? That's his definition of beauty. His opinion can influence me only if I let it. This leads us right into:

Step Nine: Rewrite Your Definition of Beauty
In order to ease your suffering, you have to include yourself in your definition of beauty. Otherwise, you'll feel pained every time you look at your body in the mirror; every time you go clothes shopping; every time you interact with other people.

If you don't believe you are a worthwhile, attractive, sexy, beautiful woman, then no amount of pampering, exercise, or stylish clothes will fill that void. You can do everything "right," and have a "perfect" body, but as long as that internal voice says, "No, you're not good enough," then you will always be striving, never satisified. You will be on edge, even when you are at your ideal weight or age, because you'll be afraid that you won't stay there. 

And therein lies the rub:  you won't stay the same. Your definition of beauty has to be flexible, to accept yourself as your body fluctuates. Can you find a way to deeply and completely love and accept your body, as it is today? Can you put aside your desire to fix yourself, and recognize that you are not any less or more valuable if you lose ten or one hundred pounds? Can you believe that you'll be okay and acceptable even if you gain ten or one hundred pounds?

Can you release your assumptions about beauty? Can you find the beauty in what you believe is ugly or unattractive about yourself?

Let's look at some common beliefs:  You have to be in shape to look good. Grey hair and wrinkles make you look old. Fatness is unattractive. Now ask yourself, Who says so? Who says you can't wear a bikini? Who says you can't go swimming unless you have a "perfect" body? Who says all athletes are skinny?  Who says a woman looks the most beautiful at her thinnest and youngest?

Most often, it's not us who says so:  it's someone else (the media, society, a boyfriend, girlfriends, family, peers.) But what do you think? Do you think that you're beautiful? I look at my nine month old baby, who is totally at ease with his body. He delights in himself, in his little fat rolls and dimples and chubby cheeks. He thinks he's fine. And that's all that matters.

If we're living with an outdated definition of beauty, if we believe we have to be as we were ten or twenty years ago, then we're denying who we are in the present. We don't expect our minds, dreams, passions, goals or beliefs to be as they were ten years ago. Why do we hold our bodies to such demands?

On my 30th birthday, I realized that I had been living by an outdated definition of beauty for over a decade. My definition had stalled at who I was at 19. Every year thereafter, I was trying to be that 19 year old again. But I'm not 19. I'm a 32, nearly 33 year old woman, who has borne four children.  My definition of beauty needs to encompass who I am today, with the path that I've traveled to become who I am now, in this moment.

I have broader, curvier hips, I have stretch marks, I have saggy breasts, I have a poochy belly. I am a woman. I have a woman's body. And you know what? I'm okay with that. I'm not a teenager. I don't have a teenager's body. I can find my beauty in who I am, with the body I have, today. Can you find the beauty in who you are, right now? You are beautiful. I know it. I see it. Dive in, and find your beauty.

Creating Body Ease: The Love Your Body Series: Adopt Feel Good Habits

"If I could change one thing for women, it would be helping them to believe they have the inner strength they need to make their lives better."
                                -Alice Domar, Ph. D.

In step six, we spoke about finding physical activities that help you appreciate your body as an instrument, versus an ornament. In many ways, step seven, adopting feel good habits, is a natural extension.

What makes you feel good? What brings your body joy and delight? I'll share some of my bodily pleasures:  running; long walks with my husband; doing a handstand, a pull up, or a difficult yoga pose; a leisurely bike ride; sitting outside in the sun; a perfectly grilled steak; raspberries, right off the bush; tomatoes and fresh basil; roast turkey and gravy; macadamia nut butter; creamy risotto with spring vegetables. A perfect balance of food:  where I'm full, but not stuffed. Dancing with my husband in the kitchen. Nursing my baby. Hugging my kids. Making love. Painting my toes. Getting dressed up for a night on the town. The high after giving birth. Trying a new lipstick.

That's my list. What's yours?

It's important to know what makes you feel good, because without this knowlege, your habits are at the mercy of your inner taskmaster. You'll do things because you should:  eat certain foods because they're healthy; exercise because your doctor says so; take supplements because an expert recommends them. Or you'll exercise and eat certain foods, not for the pleasure that they give you, but because you believe they'll bestow a thinner or more beautiful body.

The problem with these scenarios is thus:  duty is a terrible motivator. So is vanity.

If our habits are motivated by fear, duty, or vanity, will they stick for the long haul? Probably not. But if our habits are motivated by joy and delight, will they remain long term ones? Probably. Why? Because joy and delight have intrinsic motivation:  your reward comes from doing them, not from some future benefit.

Adopting feel good habits increases our integrity, because they align our external behaviors with our internal desire to love ourselves. When we chose poor habits:  undereating, overeating, eating food that makes us feel icky, saying yes to obligations that we don't want to do, we feel bad. Why? Because we're experiencing the dissonance that accompanies a lack of alignment.

Here's how this plays out in real life:  instead of eating the pasta that you really want for dinner, you have a salad. Then, feeling unsatisfied, you root around the kitchen, nibbling on some fruit, maybe a cracker, until you finally give into the pasta that you wanted in the first place. But, at this point, you're overstuffed and you feel terrible. By contrast, if you would've given yourself permission to eat the pasta, most likely, you would have enjoyed a bowl, and then stopped when you were full.

The destructiveness of bad habits isn't derived so much from the habits themselves as the damage they leave in their wake. When I was in the throes of overeating, the extra calories weren't as ruinous as the mental and emotional anguish that accompanied my binges. It was afterwards, when I berated myself for overeating, that I felt such pain. Why? Because I was ignoring my inner voice, who wanted kindness towards my body, not abuse. I was in turmoil because of my inability to stand up for myself and treat my body in ways that made me, and it, feel good.

Feel good habits, by contrast, do what their name implies:  they help you feel good. They're a way of putting your desire to love your body into action. It grounds your intention into something tangible:  a physical landmark on your journey. As you create more and more landmarks, they serve as reminders of the ways you are loving your body. This feeds upon itself, until destructive habits are the exception, and not the rule.

Do I have you convinced? Great. Now for the scary part:  I can't tell you what will make you feel good. No other expert can, either. You're the one with the answers.

My role, you see, is to support you on your journey. I am not the food, exercise, or body police. Your external behavior doesn't matter to me:  anything can arise from good, or bad, intentions. Are you eating broccoli because you enjoy the taste and it gives you energy? Or are you eating it as punishment, because you believe it's good for you and you should eat it? Do you get a facial because it feels relaxing and pampering? Or is it fueled by anxiety about ageing? Do you go to the gym because a sweaty workout refreshes and energizes you? Or do you go to the gym to cancel out the calories you ate last night at dinner?

See:  anything can be construed as a good, or bad, habit. That's why, at some point, you have to stop reading the latest diet book, fitness magazine, and even this website and dive into yourself. While others can serve as guides, you are the only one who knows what does and doesn't work for your body. You are the only one who knows the motivations behind your behavior.

Loving your body means believing that you have the ability to be an excellent caretaker of yourself. As  Alice Domar said, it's believing that you have the strength to do what needs doing. It's trusting that you can say no to requests that don't mesh with your values. It's believing that you will know when to exercise and when to rest; when to celebrate and enjoy the birthday cake, and when to chose more vegetables.

One way of doing this is by creating space in your life for connection. Give yourself moments of stillness, when you can reconnect your body with your mind. Before you fix yourself something to eat, stop and ask yourself:  What do I want to eat right now? What sounds good to me? Before you say yes to a party invitation, stop and ask yourself:  Do I want to go? Before you do your usual routine at the gym, ask yourself: What exercise do I want to do today? Do I want to exercise at all?

I know this sounds scary. We're afraid that if we relax our standards that we'll adopt no standards at all, and end up obese, unhealthy, and lazy. But loving our bodies means trusting that as we bring all ourselves into alignment, we'll balance our needs, finding a way to meet them all. So we'll meet our fashionista's need for pretty clothes. We'll meet our body's need for rest, good food, and physical activity. We'll meet our inner child's need for play and fun. We'll meet our spirit's need for quiet and solitude.   

This is what coming home looks like:  becoming your own best friend.

Creating Body Ease: The Love Your Body Series: Find a Physical Outlet

We're going to get physical. Why? Because while loving our bodies is ultimately a spiritual issue, we need a conduit:  a way to connect our amorphous, spiritual self with our juicy, earthy humanity. And what better avenue for learning to love the body then by using the body? After all, we are human beings:  we learn and grow by experiencing life in a physical form. In our focus on what our bodies look like, we forget their true function:  to be used. Author Susan Kano says a body doesn't want to be just an ornament, it wants to be an instrument. I'm reminded of a poem by Marge Piercy, "To Be of Use." In it, she writes:   

Greek amphoras for wine or oil,
Hopi vases that held corn, are put in museums
but you know they were made to be used.
The pitcher cries for water to carry
and a person for work that is real.

Our bodies are like those Greek amphoras:   created with beauty in mind. But, while beautiful, they are also functional. Celebrating your body's appearance without appreciating its purpose would be like having a beautifully decorated kitchen, outfitted with professional appliances, a fabulous layout, and ample counter space, that is never used for cooking.

Let's cook in our kitchens. As Marge Piercy reminds us, our bodies are crying out "for work that is real." For centuries, social norms kept women from using the full physical power of their bodies. No wonder women felt disenfranchised.

There is a tie---an invisible umbilical cord---between how you feel in your body and how you feel in yourself. If you are uncomfortable using your body---getting sweaty, getting dirty, enjoying sex---you will be uncomfortable with all aspects of yourself, and not just your physical form.

So let's dig in the dirt, literally:  What makes you feel strong, tough and invincible? What makes you relish in your physical self?

For me, running is my conduit. I feel strong, powerful, and alive when I run:  like I can do anything. I love nothing better than pushing myself on a beautiful, crisp morning run, returning to my door sweaty and wrung out. Running reconnects me to the young girl I once was:  the girl who approached life with confidence and optimism. After a run, my formerly insurmountable problems are diminished, my outlook more positive, my confidence increased. Running restores me to myself.

What restores you to yourself? It may be walking, rock climbing, or biking. I know a woman who loves her work in a mine, a stereotypical "man's job." She has biceps that Angela Bassett would envy, and feels incredibly powerful using her body in such a physical way. Another friend feels best when she's sweaty and hasn't showered in several days and is in the middle of a week long hike, packing all her goods on her back. Another woman find delight in conquering a difficult yoga pose.

Can you think of two or three things that make you feel strong and powerful? How can you add these things to your life? Start where you are:  what can you begin to do today? You may not be able to perfect that handstand tomorrow, but you can start working towards it, one push up at a time.

The important thing is to start:  there is incredible delight in the process. Why? Because you're aligning your actions with your values. It feels good when your behavior and your beliefs match. If you say you want to love your body, using your body to tackle a physical challenge will align those goals in synchronicity. And as you use your body, and appreciate its strength and abilities, guess what happens? You naturally start to feel good about your physical self. Lo and behold, you start loving your body.

But our bodies are not only for growth:  they are also for celebration, joy, and delight. There is a time to work, a time to sweat, a time to reap. But there is also a time to dance. A time to celebrate. A time to relax. Your body should make you happy; do you use your body for joy, beauty, and delight?

My favorite picture of myself was taken just after giving birth to my son. I'm sweaty and splotchy and flabby and free of make-up, but I felt Goddessly gorgeous. I also feel beautiful when I'm dancing with my husband, even if I'm in my sweats in the kitchen. I feel beautiful when I'm enjoying a girl's night out, laughing so hard with my girlfriends that I nearly pee my pants. I feel beautiful when I'm making love with my husband, when every nerve ending is exploding with pleasure. I feel beautiful when I'm driving somewhere with my children, and we're all singing along with the ipod at the top of our lungs. I feel beautiful listening to a new couple recite their wedding vows.

What do all these events have in common? They have nothing to do with how I appear on the outside. By contrast, I feel beautiful at these times because I'm not thinking about what I look like. In those moments, I'm thinking about how much I love my body and the pleasure it gives me:  the ability to experience the crazy, loopy roller coaster of life. I'm living my life, enjoying the moment, not living my life through my head, analyzing the moment. I'm not thinking about the size of my thighs or whether my butt looks big or about the zit on my nose. I'm relishing what is:  a chance to celebrate life, through the most tangible vehicle I own:  my body.

So dust off your body. Take the running shoes out of the closet. Are you itching to dance? What are you waiting for? If you're worried about being the largest woman in the room, I guarantee that you'll have company:  there's at least one other woman who's concerned about how big she looks, too. Start. It feels incredible to use your body:  to recognize that we're not a vase that is put up on a shelf, but one that is filled with flowers, to enjoy.   

Creating Body Ease: The Love Your Body Series: Don't Take Yourself So Seriously

If you've been joining us in our Love Your Body series, you may feel a need for levity. We've dived headfirst into your past, examined your beliefs about your body, and may have brought up an assortment of painful memories. Your current situation may be painful, too:  you may feel hopeless, like you'll never learn to love your body.

I'm here with glad tidings. I'm here to tell you to take it easy; to make it easy, too. How? At this stage in the game, it's important to remember three things:

1. Your body image issues are a blessing.
2. Laugh at yourself:  this is all pretty funny.
3. You're okay, whether you love your body or not.

The gift of hating your body
I believe our "stuff," my name for our stumbling blocks, serves a higher purpose:  to help us grow and evolve. If you are like nearly every woman I know, then loving your body is part of your "stuff:"  something that needs healing, care, and lovingkindness.

But while I am calling you to heal this part of yourself, I ask you to do so with an attitude of thankfulness. Be grateful for your body image issues. Be thankful for being fat. Be grateful for feeling fat. Why? Because this is God's way of waking you up to yourself:  of showing you your true nature. It's God's way of getting you to pay attention. It's a gift, if you'll accept it:  your avenue of growth. Instead of labeling your body image issues as garbage, a negative, or something bad, look at it as the rich soil, the compost, out of which you will grow your garden.

I believe everything happens for a reason. And there is a reason why nearly every woman has struggled with loving her body, at one time or another. Instead of blaming others for this problem, ignoring it, or wishing we had a different issue, let's embrace it as our greatest opportunity for change, growth, and self acceptance.

Make a list of your blessings. What good has come out of your body bashing? What lessons have you learned? How have you grown? As you progress on your journey, come back to this list, and add new insights. See it for what it is:  a return to truth.

Laugh at yourself
We've all done dumb things. And we've all done dumb things because we hate our bodies, are trying to lose weight, or are stewing too much about our appearance. Would you like to see my list of dumb deeds?

• I nearly passed up a free trip to Florida because I was ten pounds heavier than I wanted to be.
• I've bought dresses for fancy occasions (weddings, in particular) two sizes too small as "inspiration," only to drive myself nuts trying to lose weight to fit into them.
• I've avoided certain stores because the lighting or dressing room mirrors made me feel "fat."
• I've declined party invitations because I didn't feel confident enough in my appearance to go.
• I avoided opportunities to take my children swimming because I didn't want to wear a bathing suit.
• I didn't go out with girlfriends because I was intimidated by their beautiful clothes and body confidence.
• I denied myself dance lessons, something that I adore, because it was too hard to watch myself in a mirror.
• I've shyed away from yoga classes because I felt like the biggest woman in the room.

Now, my list can make you cry, or make you laugh. I've chosen to laugh (it's just too absurd.) Write out your list. Can you laugh at yourself?

Laughter is the leavening that enables you to rise above your current situation, however you feel about your body, and feel the joy of acceptance. Laughing at yourself disarms your inner harpy; your inner critic. She may scream and moan and kick her feet, trying to convince you that your fat thighs and flabby belly are really, really, really the end of the world. But if you can laugh at her tantrum, her words are powerless against you.

Taking your body image issues too seriously makes your thoughts heavy and oppressive. If you're thinking too hard about your body, you're making it more difficult than it needs to be. The mind likes to make things hard; it likes a problem, because then it has something to solve. You want to operate from your heart, and from your spirit:  where there is lightness, and ease. And you activate your heart with levity, mirth, and laughter:  joy. If you can laugh at your foibles, you can---literally---rise above them. And the next time you are tempted to squeeze into a dress that's two sizes too small? You'll see the idea for what it is:  ridiculous.

Completely love and accept yourself
If you are currently beating yourself up because you think you're too fat, too flabby, too out of shape, too ugly, too_______ (fill in the blank here with however you define "Not good enough,") you may think that the problem lies in your body. You may think that if only you stop overeating/cut out certain foods/get in shape/lose weight/get a makeover/get Botox/get a boob job/stop smoking/go on a diet/get your teeth whitened/fit into a smaller size then you will feel okay. And while, yes, those things may change your aesthetics, if you haven't adjusted the internal barometer, then the external changes won't mean a thing. No amount of pampering, primping, or make-up will make you feel good. Pampering, primping, and make-up are wonderful ways to boost confidence; but if they are not accompanied by an abiding sense of love and acceptance, their power will be temporary and fleeting.

Loving and accepting yourself means understanding that your true worth does not fluctuate with your body weight. You are just as worthy at 200 pounds as you are at 150 pounds, or 120 pounds. Loving and accepting yourself means softening your expectations. It's believing that you are okay, whether you love your body or not. It's lightening up, understanding that while you would like to love your body, you are still a worthy, wonderful human being even if you don't. Until you deeply accept yourself, in all your incarnations, you will make loving your body one more project; one more task to accomplish before you will feel worthy of love and respect. So intead of beating yourself up for being fat you're beating yourself up for feeling fat.

It's all good. You're all good. Just as you shouldn't wait to love your body until after you've lost weight or got it together, you shouldn't wait to love and accept yourself until you love your body.

Accept yourself now, with all your peccadilloes, all your screw-ups, all your errors and shoulda, coulda, wouldas. Accept all your good moments, too. Accept it all, as your beautiful humanity, as your path home.   

Creating Body Ease: The Love Your Body Series: Add Self-Care

In step three of this series, I talked about creating a supportive environment by minimizing triggers:  those things that spark your inner body critic (and we all have one) into overdrive. This step is important, because it gives you roots:  a strong foundation as you learn to love your body. However, it can feel a bit like the body police, in that you're temporarily subtracting things from your life:  certain magazines, TV, and maybe even time with body bashing girlfriends.

It's important to counterbalance step three, removing obstacles, with step five:  adding care. Otherwise, you'll starve your spirit. Your spirit doesn't like to be squealched, and if it feels deprived or ignored, it will react, by overreacting:  this is what leads to overspending, overeating, and overdrinking. It's where nothing can fill you; when your appetites are insatiable. So instead of a new outfit, you charge a wardrobe that you can't afford; instead of one bowl of ice cream, you eat the entire container.

A deprived spirit will almost always manifest itself in your physical body. Ever wonder why you can't stick to an exercise program, eat foods that nourish you, or silence your inner critic? If your spirit is weakened from neglect, it can't be the supportive friend that you need it to be. We transfer our negative feelings from our spirits to our bodies, and before we know it, we're beating ourselves up for an extra ten pounds, a pimple, or stretch marks.

A neglected spirit is what drives you to nitpick at your body, magnifying faults, and obsess over shortcomings. A neglected spirit is never satisfied:  you're never thin or pretty enough. Your self-confidence will flag with the scale, the mirror, and your mood.

This is not a way to live. (I know:  I lived this way for years.) But there's a solution:  a regular habit of self care. Care is giving your body attention:  respect, love and pampering. Even if you're not happy with your current form, even if you want to lose weight or become healthier, the path to change starts with treating yourself excellently. You can't hate your body into change. You may think you can "beat" your body into submission ("I'm so gross and fat I will do anything to lose weight!") but this is not the path of lasting transformation. (Vanity only motivates in the short-term; love motivates over the long haul.) You have to love your body as it is now. That's the first step. And self-care is the way to do so. Here are several ways to care for your body:

Mother yourself
When we're feeling sad or overwhelmed, it's common to pine for our mothers. Usually, we don't want our mother per se as much as we want a mothering figure:  someone to care for us with tenderness. We long for unconditional love, especially when we're bitchy, irritable, and cranky. But it's not someone else's job to mother us. The key to self care is mothering yourself. You love yourself unconditionally. You give yourself what you need, whether it be a nap, a pedicure, or a walk. Do you know how you comfort your children when they've gotten hurt? Give yourself the same tenderness when you're hurt, inside out, or sad. 

Feed the beauty meter
In Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts, Mama Gena wisely points out that we all have experiences that make us feel beautiful, whether it's getting a facial, exercising, getting dressed up for a girl's night out, or taking a long bath. Make your beauty list:  What makes you feel beautiful? Then, list in hand, find ways to increase those opportunities, so that you feed your beauty meter. How can you expand your beautiful feelings, so that you experience them more often? Just last week, I bought myself new make-up. I felt so girly, feminine, and yes, beautiful, when I took thirty minutes to choose new colors. I wore my new lipstick today and shined as I walked down the street:  not because my new make-up made me beautiful, but because my new make-up made me feel beautiful.

Another way to add beauty to your life is to beautify your surroundings. What kind of dishes do you eat on? Is your bedroom a sanctuary? What about your closet? Is is a pleasure to open; does it invite you to play dress-up every morning, when you choose an outfit for the day? Make your environment beautiful; a pleasure for the senses. This step doesn't mean overspending or buying things you can't afford; my make-up came from the drugstore. I've found delightful trinkets at Target. Beauty comes from an attitude; not a bank account.

Treat yourself like a queen
Don't settle for burnt toast, as Teri Hatcher so eloquently put it. Eat food that makes you feel good; that tastes good, looks beautiful, and satisfies your hunger. While you're at it, eat it on your grandmother's best china.

Wear clothes that flatter you and make you feel smashing, even if it's a track suit. (Cute track suits do exist.) And who says you have to live in jeans if you're a stay at home Mom?

Treat yourself to sexy underwear, gorgeous lingerie, and stunning loungewear. When my son was born last winter, he was colicky and fussy: I rarely got dressed. I figured if I was going to live in my pajamas, I might as well embrace the opportunity. So I bought myself several pairs of richly colored, silky, comfortable pajamas.

If you like flowers, buy yourself flowers; every week. If you like chick flicks, make a date with yourself:  tonight. If you love a fabulous restaurant meal, put it in the family budget.

Relish in your physical self
Pamper your physical body on a daily basis. Paint your toes, style your hair, groom yourself impeccably. Get a facial, buy a new lotion; spend an afternoon at a spa.  Try a new eyeshadow,  find your best colors, add highlights. Isn't it fun being a woman? Relish in it. Treat your body like a temple, treat yourself like a Goddess, treat your spirit like a Queen. This my friends, is the path to loving your body. Doesn't it sound like fun? Dive in.

 

Creating Body Ease: The Love Your Body Series: Get Your Body History Straight

"History is a part of becoming truly free."

        -John Hope Franklin

We all have stories:  a framework that we use to interpret the events of our lives. If you're a woman, you probably have a story for your body. There's probably a chapter where you loved your body; maybe a chapter where you went on your first diet. You have a chapter when your body changed---puberty, pregnancy, or aging. For some, this was a positive journey; but for most women, accepting the body's changes has been hard.

It's strange, really; we don't expect our emotional, mental, or spiritual bodies to stay the same throughout our lives. But why do we hold our bodies to such rigid standards? Why do we expect our bodies to remain as they were at 18, before pregnancies, breastfeeding, and several trips around the sun?

With this step, we'll unroot these expectations by journeying through your past. Our goal is to bring awareness to your story, so that you can see how it influences your attitudes today. You can't get clarity about your relationship with your body until you recognize where you've been. If you're holding onto shame or guilt about your past, this will often manifest in the present as a food issue. It'll be really, really difficult to care for your body in a healthy manner today if your body is still processing shame about the past. Through this process, you will have the opportunity to accept, forgive, and release your history.

Write your story
If you're the journaling type, it's helpful to physically write your story. Break it down into several parts:  Write about your body from ages 1-11; 12-19; 20-30; 30-40; 40-50, and so on. For each decade, answer these questions:  What did you look like? How would you describe your relationship with food? What did you think about your body? What did you think about yourself?

After you've written your story, look it over, as a whole. Do you see any patterns or consistencies over the course of your life? What's stayed the same? What's changed? What decade did you feel the best about your body? Can you see any behaviors that led to these good feelings? When did you feel the worst? What behaviors led to those feelings?

Releasing a painful history
How do you feel when you look over your past? Does your past feel painful? Do you feel regret, shame, or guilt for certain behaviors, such as dieting, hating your body, having an eating disorder, or denying yourself joy until you'd lost weight?   

Shame and guilt are joy robbers. They will keep you from accepting yourself, just as you are, today, tomorrow, or yesterday. For years, I carried deep shame about my college days, when I alternated between starving myself and throwing up in toilets. The irony is that in my 20s I used food for comfort; one of the reasons I overate was my low self esteem. And do you know what triggered my low self esteem? Shame about my past.

I released my shame when I recognized two things:  1. I did the best I could, and 2. When I knew better, I did better. When I was in college I was terribly lonely and insecure; I knew nothing about proper nutrition, or how to care for myself. Bingeing and starving myself was the best I could I do at the time. As I grew in knowledge, confidence, and self esteem, I stopped bingeing and starving. And, ultimately, I was able to forgive myself for abusing my body, recognizing my misguided attempt to feel good.

Now it's your turn. Look at your story. Imagine it's a movie script. Imagine it's your best friend's story. Imagine it's the story of a small child. How do you view your story now? Can you embrace your mistakes with compassion? Can you see that you were doing the best you knew how? Can you see how your behaviors were an attempt to feel good about yourself?

What's remarkable about forgiveness is how it short-circuits shame. Today, I am free and clear to treat my body with love and respect. My past is just that:  an old story. I know better, and so I do better.

Find the good
Now let's take it one step further:  Can you see how your past helped you get to where you are today? Can you see the good in your past? Can you see how your past made you stronger, taught you important lessons, and, like weight lifting, built your internal muscles so you could grow and evolve?

For me, it was only through hating my body that I was able to love my body. My body image issues were my way inside:  the vehicle for my growth. If I had loved and accepted my body, I would never have embarked on my spiritual quest, for health and wholeness. If I hadn't hated my body, I wouldn't be able to write this article that you're reading.

Do you know that saying, "It's all good?" It is. The universe has a perfect plan, getting you to where you need to go. Hating your body may be an important step on the journey.

Embracing an imperfect present

There's a flip side to this exercise:  What if your past isn't painful at all; what if it's your present story that causes you pain? Do you long for an earlier time, when you were beautiful, thin, or younger? Do you pine for your former beauty?

I think this scenario is very common with women who've had children. Our bodies change considerably after giving birth:  stretch marks, spider veins, wider hips, bigger feet, added pounds, poochy bellies, and saggy breasts are just some of the ways pregnancy and childbirth can alter a woman's body.

I know hundreds of women in their 30s and 40s who are trying every diet, eating and exercise program they can to regain the body they had when they were 18. I know women in their 50s and 60s who are doing likewise. Instead of recognizing that the goal itself is absurd, women think there's something wrong with them:  they haven't tried hard enough, or used enough willpower. Or they haven't yet found the perfect diet.

I can relate: I spent my 20s dieting to regain the super-skinny body that I had when I was 19. I thought that if only I could control myself and eat super, super, healthy food, then I could be that thin again---without the eating disorder. But nope. The only way I could be that thin again was if I starved myself.

The pathway to change

So how do you release your fixation on the past? How do you embrace a new image that fits who you are today? Here's what I did:  I called in the troops. I prayed, "Please, God:  take away my desire to be skinny." I knew it wasn't something I could tackle on my own. I had to release my will, and trust that God had something better for me than I could ever want for myself.

We don't want to release our hold on our bodies, because we're afraid that loving and accepting our bodies means being fat. We're afraid if we let our bodies eat until they're satisfied that we'll weigh 1,000 pounds. We're afraid that if we release our high expectations we'll settle for something really, really low, and end up slothful, unhealthy, ill, and obese.

But do you know what this is? This is a lack of trust. We don't trust ourselves enough to believe that we will care for our bodies. We don't trust that we'll know what our bodies need; instead we rely on experts and dieting rules to tell us what to eat, how to eat, and when to eat. We don't trust that we'll want to exercise, even if there's no one telling us we should go to the gym.

But remember? God wants something even better for you than you can imagine for yourself. God wants you to be healthy. God wants you to feel beautiful. God wants you to enjoy your physical body.

Let it go
So let it go. Release your past, your shame, your regret, your guilt. Release your pining for a perfect time, that, ultimately, didn't exist. (Let's be honest:  Did you really love your body 15 pounds or 15 years ago? Or was there something, even then, that needed fixing?) Release your pining for the future, when you think you'll finally love your body, after you've lost those last ten pounds. (Let's be honest:  Will you really love your body after losing 10 pounds? Or will there be something else that'll need fixing?) Release your need for your body to be perfect.

Love Your Present
Love your present. Love your body, right now, as it is. If you're in waiting mode, waiting to love yourself after you've gotten in shape, lost weight, had a facelift, or broken a bad habit, then you're putting self-love into the future. You're discounting who you are, right now. As Sanaya Roman says, you're making "who you are inadequate."

Think of someone you love; think of a small child. Do you love them any differently if their hair's unbrushed, or if they're covered in dirt, or if their body is dimpled and round? No, we usually love them more for the cowlicks, the dirty faces, and the rolls. It's what makes them unique. It's their imperfections that endear them to us.

It's your imperfections that are endearing. I have a crooked nose with a deviated septum. I love it; it's hooked and imperfect, but it makes me unique. I have stretch marks on my hips, thighs, and belly. They are beautiful reminders of the four people I brought into the world. My broad shoulders are a gift from my father:  I can look in the mirror and see him in me. My body is my geography; it's a map of where I've been, where I'm from, and a compass to point me where I need to go.

Your geography is your map. Can you love your map of the world?  You're okay, just as you are. Do you think you'll only be okay when you finally lose the baby weight? No, you're okay right now. Do you think you'll only be okay when you're no longer round and pregnant? No, you're okay in this very moment. Do you think you'll only be okay when you erase the wrinkles? No, you're okay just as you are.

You're okay. Right now. You can deeply love and accept yourself. If I can love my body, anybody can. I cheer you on your journey. 

Creating Body Ease: The Love Your Body Series: Create a Supportive Environment

When I embarked upon my quest to heal my body image, I sheltered myself in many ways. I didn't read fashion magazines, because the super skinny models hooked me into fat feelings. Victoria's Secret catalogs did the same thing, so I tossed those. I avoided certain women who always complained about their bodies. And I stayed away from the gym and its wall of mirrors, exercising outside instead.

Why? I recognized that unless I minimized my environmental triggers---those things that hooked me and made me feel fat or inadequate---it would be really, really hard to love my body.

No, you can't run away from the world, or the millions of women who feel badly about their bodies. Yes, you need to be able to face your triggers and be unaffected by them. And yes, eventually you'll want to have peace about your body no matter your environment. But you aren't there yet. You need to start where you are. And while you're working to get from where you are to where you want to be, you can be kind to yourself.

People vacate to spas when they are attempting a significant change, because it's much easier to do so in a supportive environment. Creating a supportive environment is planning for your success. It's giving yourself a strong set of roots so that you can grow. It's about acknowledging your limits. It's about not making change any harder than it has to be. But you don't have to escape to Miraval to feel supported; you can create your own spa environment, wherever you are.

How can you support yourself while you learn to love your body? As an experiment, keep a log for a day or two. Every time you feel triggered by something in your external environment----maybe a fashion magazine; or seeing an overly thin actress on TV, or a friend complaining about her fatness---write it down. Then, when you have your list, look it over. (If you're like me, it'll be a long, long list.) Can you eliminate or minimize some of those triggers?

Here are some suggestions:

• Remove magazines and catalogs if looking at them makes you feel badly about yourself.
• Refrain from body bashing with girlfriends.
• Limit your media consumption (TV and movies) if seeing overly thin actresses triggers you.
• Limit your exposure to women who are constantly slamming their bodies.
• If dressing rooms and clothes shopping leaves you in tears, refrain for a while.
• Move your skinny clothing out of sight, for now. I know you like to think it's inspiration, but notice how you feel when you see it. Does it make you feel good, anticipatory towards a future goal, or does it make you feel bad, denigrated for gaining weight?

I know this list is full of no's and don'ts. It's easy to think of this step as deprivation. But you're not trying to deprive yourself as much as nurture yourself with things that make you feel good. And as your body confidence grows, you'll be able to go clothes shopping and buy your real size, without the tears. You'll be able to enjoy fashion magazines as creative inspiration without feeling fat. You'll be able to listen to girlfriends body bash with detachment, or even surprise.

I love fashion magazines. But when I realized that they made me nuts about my body, I knew that I had to take a temporary reprieve. Now I subscribe to In Style and it doesn't trigger me. But in the beginning of my journey, it was too much.

I find it helpful to remember this equation:  as you subtract things from your life, add in extra care. So if reading People was one way you indulged yourself, find a creative alternative. Maybe you can give yourself a manicure. Perhaps you can take a yoga class or teach yourself jewelry making. Pick up a juicy novel.

Trying to change your thoughts about your body will feel like detox. You may feel worse before you feel better. You may throw your hands in the air and want to give up. You may feel like you'll never feel good about your body. This is completely normal. This is a sign to keep going, not a sign to give up. You are in detox. It may suck for a while.

And while you're in detox, remember:
1. Be very, very  kind to yourself.
2. Be very, very kind to your new behavior patterns.
And, 3. It won't be this painful forever. One day, loving your body will be easy; criticizing it will be hard. That, my friends, is a worthy challenge.

Creating Body Ease: The Love Your Body Series: Write A Victory Log

Last week I started the "Love Your Body" series; weekly posts designed to help you love the skin that you're in. Now that you've begun with step one (creating new mental pictures) you can move onto step two:  keeping a victory log.

What is a victory log? Abby Seixas wrote about victory logs in Finding the Deep River Within. Simply put, a victory log is a journal of your successes. A success can be anything, however you wish to define it. Maybe it's getting out of bed to exercise when you feel like sleeping in. Maybe it's noticing your reflection in the mirror and feeling good. Maybe it's wearing your bathing suit for the first time this summer. Maybe it's refraining from beating yourself up when you eat half the cheesecake. 

The victories themselves don't matter, as much as your decision to focus on where you're going, rather then where you've been. It's also a way to enjoy the journey, rather than solely focusing on the end result.

Why is it important to log your victories? When you're trying to change, it's easy to become discouraged by the small march of progress. You may not even notice how your thoughts or behaviors are evolving without conscious awareness. I know when I climbed out of my depression, my mood was so fragile that I had to chart my progress by hours, not days. Feeling better for an hour; that was a success. Then that built up to several hours. Then that became a day. Then that turned to several days. Healing my body image has followed the same course.

A journal is indispensable for this very reason. When you're only feeling better for hours at a time, you can dismiss that one small victory. But a written record brings your attention to these miniscule changes, to make you conscious of your growth.

And on days when you're feeling badly about the size of your thighs, it's helpful to know that, while you may not be where you want to go, you're not where you were, either. And as your record of victories increases, your confidence increases. And as your confidence increases, your thoughts about your body grow more positive. And as you feel better about your body, you record more victories:  a win-win, all around.

Creating Body Ease: The Love Your Body Series: Create New Mental Pictures

"Whatever is happening in your life is coming from an image you hold about yourself."

Sanaya Roman

Imagine what it would feel like to be at peace about your weight, your wrinkles, your body, your cellulite. Imagine how you would feel to love your body like a child loves her body:  being completely at ease and unselfconscious about your physical self. Imagine how it would be to look in the mirror and greet your reflection with compassion and acceptance. Imagine what you would do if your body image became a non-issue in your life. Would you wear a bathing suit? Dress differently? Take up dancing? Join a yoga class? Go for a run? Be comfortable naked?

I read that list and my spirit soars. Ultimately, loving your body is about freedom:  freedom from the ego. Your ego is the one that keeps you in bondage:  deceiving your spirit into believing that you are worthier when you're skinnier, prettier, or younger. Yes, you can be beautiful, as beautiful as you want to be. But no, that doesn't make you worthier as a human being. 

So, my friend, I ask you:  Do you want to heal your body image? That is the first step, easily underestimated. For years, I said I wanted to love my body, but, deep down, I really didn't. What I really wanted was to be skinny, and perfect, and then I would love my body. I had to learn that self love comes first, no matter the number on the scale or the reflection in the mirror.

If you're still reading, I'm assuming you're serious about wanting body peace. Great. But, how? How do you learn to love your body? That, my friend, is the million dollar question. I'm starting a new series of weekly posts that will offer suggestions to do just that. These are things that have helped me in my journey; I hope they support you, as well.

Step One: Create New Mental Pictures

This tip comes from Sanaya Roman's incredible book, Personal Power Through Awareness. Did you ever wonder why being around certain people triggers outdated or old behaviors that you are trying to change? For me, this was true with my parents. Whenever I was with them, I found myself acting like a bratty teenager.

Why is this? It's because your mental pictures---how you see yourself in your mind---and others' mental pictures of you---how they see you in their minds---has an incredible influence on your behavior. This also explains why a formerly obese woman who has lost considerable weight may still view herself as fat:  her mental picture hasn't changed along with her body.

Sit down, close your eyes, and think about your mental pictures. How do you view your body? Is it positive? Or are you holding onto outdated, untrue pictures? Do yours tell you that you're fat, old, ugly, and not good enough? Guess what? Your behavior will prove that true, over and over and over again. You will treat your body as if it's fat, old, and not good enough.

Can you be motivated to go to the gym when your mental picture is of a flabby, unhealthy body? Not at six a.m. If your mental picture is of a frumpy Mommy, can you put on a skirt and feel comfortable? I'd say not. If you envision yourself as a faded beauty, how will you feel when you encounter a smashing 20 year old with perky breasts and dewy skin? Probably really, really jealous of her, or really, really bad about yourself.

Try this instead:  Imagine yourself as a poised, polished princess. Or as a glowing mother-to-be, radiantly beautiful. Maybe you're a strong, powerful athlete. You can be a graceful dancer, a transcendant matriarch, a funky artist, a fashion diva. You can form a mental image of whatever you want to be.

One of the easiest ways to create a new mental image is to make a dreamboard, a photo collage of images that speak to you. Gather pictures, words, magazine clippings, poems, anything that makes your spirit sing. Make a collage of your ideal physical self.

 

I've made several of these over the years. In the first one I made, I chose images of super skinny fashion models. Not the smartest move I ever made. Today, my collage has a chic woman in a beautiful white suit; a sweaty runner; a woman playing on the beach; a yogi in a difficult yoga pose; a woman without make-up, laughing; and a woman in a fabulous cocktail dress. These images speak to me and the way I want to see myself.

Once you've constructed a new mental image of yourself, try it on. Everyday, every hour, every time you look at yourself in the mirror. Let it become your new mantra. When your inner critic tells you that you're fat and dumpy? You now have a reply. No, I'm a sensual, curvy new mother.

But don't stop there. First, focus on creating a new mental picture for yourself. But then send others---your lover, your girlfriends, your peers---this new mental picture, too. Why? By sending others a new picture, you can influence their expectations and beliefs about your appearance. Then, move onto step three:  send other women a new picture of themselves. Do you have friends who body bash? You can help elevate their mental pictures about themselves into something better. I do this all the time:  whenever a woman shares a story about how she dislikes her body, I send her a mental picture of herself as a beautiful woman. I send her an image of how I see her, which is one hundred times more generous than how she views herself.

This is part of the way we can heal this body image issue for women once and for all. It starts with one woman, loving her body. Then as her mental images grow and evolve, she can grow and evolve other women's mental images, too. And then it starts to grow, and grow, until more and more women have higher and higher mental images of their bodies.

And then what happens? I can't wait to find out.

Join Me in the Summer Body Love Experiment

"There is a woman at the beginning of all great things."
- Alphonse de Lamartine

Today marks the first official day of summer, and the summer solstice:  the longest day of the year. I'd like to celebrate the sun's zenith by shining light in our own dark corners:  the cesspool.

In a previous post, shrinking the cesspool, I wondered: what is the source of body hatred? Why do so  many women feel fat, ugly, or old? Where do these thoughts come from? (for I believe we are not our thoughts.) More importantly:  where do these thoughts go? 

Here's where they go:  every little girl who think she's fat? That's my fault, and yours. As science has proven, we are all connected; my thoughts about my body affect your thoughts about yours.

Here's how I see this working:  imagine a storehouse filled with all those negative thoughts about our bodies----too fat, too old, too ugly, too this, too that. Imagine it as a cesspool filled with those feelings of not measuring up. Whenever we believe those thoughts about ourselves, or judge another woman, the cesspool grows.

And as the cesspool grows, more and more women feel its effects. It becomes more powerful, until one day, nearly every woman feels badly about her body in some manner.

This, my friends, can be an accurate description of the world we've created, where kindergartners diet and teenagers harbor eating disorders and pregnant women can't even look pregnant and 40 year olds beat themselves up, God forbid, for getting wrinkles. But therein lies our power:  if we created this world, for it's just an outer manifestation of our inner thoughts, we can create a new, different world.

Hear my call to arms:  Let's shrink the cesspool.

How do we do this? We won't accomplish this by attacking the forces that we mistakenly believe are responsible for our negative beliefs:  the media, Hollywood, and fashion industry. For we've created them, too. We won't accomplish this by dieting, plastic surgery, or waiting until our bodies are "perfect" before we love them.

We shrink the cesspool by creating a new vision of ourselves as beautiful, here, now, in whatever form our body is in. We shrink the cesspool by turning our envy of other women into admiration. We shrink the cesspool by letting ourselves be beautiful. We shrink the cesspool by letting other women be beautiful. We shrink the cesspool by growing our inner beauty to the point whereby our spirits glow from the inside out. We shrink the cesspool by tapping into those thoughts that make us feel beautiful, attractive, and healthy in our bodies. We breed those feelings, until the cesspool has nothing left from which to grow.

Will you join me in shrinking the cesspool?

Let's imagine an alternate universe. Because when we shrink the cesspool, guess what takes its place? A world where women of all shapes and sizes feel beautiful. A world where those deceitful voices that try to persuade us we need to be younger or thinner to be okay have no power. A world where little girls are more concerned about eradicating world hunger, electing the first woman president, or pursuing their deepest dreams than the size of their bellies. A world where women are more concerned about electing the first woman president and ending violence and feeding the hungry than the latest diet.

Let's imagine what we could do, if we redirected all the energies that we expend towards unnecessary dieting and fighting the ageing process towards our true passions, our true purpose:  that little voice that harbors our hopes and dreams.

I imagine we could change the world.

Join me, and let's see what our collective power can achieve. So spread the word. Email your girlfriends, your co-workers, your sisters, aunts, cousins, neighbors. Email every woman you know. Let's join together in self love for our bodies, and see what changes come about.

I'd love to hear how your experiment goes. What are you discovering about yourself? What are you learning? Are you finding body peace? Email me your story at karlyp@firstourselves.com.

Feel beautiful, my friends. Watch, out, everybody:  first, ourselves, then the world. Here we come.