First Ourselves

Are You an Anxious Mom? Overcome Your Fears

 “A further sign of health is that we don't become undone by fear and trembling, but we take it as a message that it's time to stop struggling and look directly at what's threatening us.”
-Pema Chodron

This morning I was thinking about fear, and about the many ways that fear can undermine my relationships:  especially the parent-child relationship. I'm a mother to four children, and I homeschool. For someone who likes to keep a tight hand on the reins, with my chosen lifestyle, I'm given many, daily opportunities to confront this need to control. And what drives my control is fear:

• If I let my children direct more of their schoolwork, they won't learn anything. Or worse, they won't want to learn anything.
• If I let my children experience the consequences of their actions, then they'll make poor choices and hurt themselves, and others.
• When my children are picking on their siblings or fighting or whining about chores or lie or do anything that I believe isn't okay, then I fear that they'll never make friends/become a bully/manipulate others/turn into homeless street bums.

When I'm fearful, I overreact. I react to the mental diatribe in my mind, rather than the situation at hand. When I'm fearful, I second-guess myself, revisiting my decisions, because I'm so caught up in making the right decision. When I'm fearful, I imagine worst-case scenarios:  that my children will become homeless street bums.

I was with a child psychologist last weekend during a trip to Yellowstone, and we were talking about the pressure that many parents feel today to be perfect parents. Some authors refer to our modern day parenting culture as "parenting in the age of anxiety." We put such importance on making sure we say the right thing to our children, and preparing them properly for adulthood, that we parent on eggshells,  plagued by a chronic feeling that we're not measuring up. This psychologist made a wise comment:  "I always tell parents, 'Say what you think is best, and trust that your children are resilient.'"

I felt such freedom, a breathing space, when she said those words. My heart responded and instantly relaxed. Yes. When I was pregnant with my fourth child, and feeling uncertain about my ability to care for another child, a friend of mine commented, "Children bring their own abundance." She wasn't talking about material goods; she was speaking about what the psychologist was speaking about:  an inner resilience; the  unique strengths and assets that our children bring to their part of the parent-child relationship.

Can I trust that my children will survive, and even thrive, even though I parent imperfectly? Can I trust that the universe had a perfect, unfolding plan when it entrusted my children to my care? Can I trust that my children will be able to cope and adjust and grow through their challenges? Can I trust that my children are strong enough to weather their own lessons and learning experiences? Can I trust that they will be supported in their journey? Can I trust that I will be supported in my journey, as their parent, and that I will know how best to assist them?

Think about your issues with your children. Dig down far enough, and see if fear is at the root of your sticking points. There's an excellent story at I Was Thinking, a delightful blog by mother of three Heidi Hass Gable, about Heidi's reaction to her daughter's torment of her younger brother. As Heidi was getting more and more irritated at her daughter's behavior, she was able to stop, put on her pause button, and ask herself, "What's really going on here? Why am I getting so upset?" Fear strikes again.

I'm thinking back to a question Sonia Choquette posed to me last May:  "Who would you be if you were not afraid?" I'll amend that question for this post:  "What kind of parent would you be if you were not afraid?"

If I were not afraid, I would honor my children's point of view as well as my own. If I were not afraid, I would care more about my relationship with my children then on being right. If I were not afraid, instead of acting out my worries, I would question them. If I were not afraid, I would pause, and recognize whatever I'm carrying on about---whether it be the dishes in the dishwasher, the unmade bed, or the math problems that went unsolved---in the grand scheme of things, isn't all that important, anyway.

Letting go of Super Woman: Why We Can't Do it All

Do you know that woman, the one who makes you wonder, “How does she do it?”  The woman who leaves you in awe, because her house, herself, and her children are always immaculate?

I am that woman.

And I’m here to tell you:  this is how she does it:  she doesn’t.

For years, I tried. I really, really tried. I was the "perfect" earth mother -- I made my own baby food and baby wipes, washed my own diapers, homeschooled, cooked organic, gluten-free food from scratch, and never defaced my children’s nutrition with McDonald’s.

I was the self-serving, soft-spoken Montessori mom. I read all the right parenting books, trying to tame my temper, my anger, my irritation and frustration:  I wanted to say all the right things, so that my children would have the most perfect, loving childhood. I felt so guilty when I never measured up:  like I was screwing up my kids for yelling or losing it.

4 Benefits to Reaching out to Others

When we're feeling down or "imperfect," it's a natural human tendency to close ourselves off from friends and family. We do this because we want to be loved and accepted by others --- particularly other women, who comprise our "tribe." Our fear of being judged or our fear of being vulnerable --- showing our weak points --- keeps us isolated.

It feels uncomfortable to reach out at these times, but it's imperative that you do so:  for your mental, physical and emotional health.

Why? Here are 4 benefits:

4 Ways Self-Care Benefits Families

I believe in healthy self-care:  taking care of yourself, meeting your needs, and honoring your emotions. Granted, as women we aren't taught to embrace this line of thinking. But when women step up and care for themselves as well as they care for others, their lives are transformed.

How? Instead of controlling others, blaming others, or harboring resentment, we can take responsibility for our choices, and their consequences. We can love our children and families with detachment; without having to be right all the time. 

One of the greatest gifts a mom can give her children is her own happiness. And happiness is something that each woman has to find, make, and create for herself. As women, wives and mothers, we are often others centered, focusing our time and energies on caring for our children, spouses, and families. But as we give to others, we must also give to ourselves. When a woman applies the same nurturing to herself that she applies to other people, everyone benefits. It's the old adage:  if mom ain't happy, nobody's happy.

There is a huge difference between narcissism---self absorption---and healthy selfishness. Self absorption is honoring your needs at the expense of others; healthy selfishness is honoring your needs for the benefit of others.

Balanced self-care boosts your confidence, your self esteem; it can eliminate destructive habits from your life, as you trade negative coping skills for positive ones. It can add meaning and feed your sense of purpose, as you find ways to connect to the you underneath the Mom.

But what about our children. How do they benefit from a mom who puts herself first?

1. Healthy selfishness teaches our children the keys to self fulfillment. When we take the time to honor our needs, when we take full responsbility for our happiness by seeking out ways to add joy and comfort to our lives, we send a positive, proactive message to our children. Our children learn by our example. When we honor our own needs, we teach our children how to honor their own needs. When we are true to ourselves, we teach our children how to be true to themselves. When we set boundaries and say no, we teach our children how to set boundaries and say no. These are all skills that our children will then take with them when they become parents, which they will pass down to their children; which will be passed down to our children's children. What a beautiful gift; a positive, self perpuating cycle.

2. Healthy selfishness teaches our children independence and self reliance. Mom does not have to do everything. We stunt our children's growth when we do for them what they are capable of doing themselves. When a Mom makes self care a priority, this often means cutting back, and finding ways for other family members to contribute to the running of the household. This is a good thing:  it helps children become more independent, teaches them valuable life skills (I remember many a college classmate stumped by the washing machines), and creates family togetherness. When everyone works together to clean and care for the home, to tackle the various errands, shopping, and organizational tasks that keep a household running smoothly, it creates a feeling of camaraderie; of unity. Children want to feel a part of something. They want to belong. They want to feel as if their contributions matter; we all do. Honor this need by letting your children have opportunities for showing responsibility, while you honor your need to harbor pockets of time for yourself.

3. Healthy selfishness teaches our children the joy of giving with an open heart. When we put ourselves first, we create deep feelings of nurturing, self care, acceptance, and love. These feelings are self feeding:  they grow upon themselves. As we feel loved and cared for, our desire to love and care for our families and our communities increases. Our viewpoint is altered, where we come from a place of abundance---from a surplus, rather than a deficit. So instead of resentfully cooking meals, cleaning toilets, and wiping runny noses, we are able to cheerfully, lovingly do these things. Putting ourselves first doesn't shut us away from others, it's what opens us to others, to give with an open heart.

4. Healthy selfishness grows unconditional love. True giving is giving without expectation; when we give for the joy of giving itself. This is unconditional love:  when we give simply because we care, not because we expect something in return.

Self care feeds unconditional love. How? If we're not offering ourselves self care, love, nurturing and acceptance, our self esteem takes a beating. We then try and feed our self esteem in unhealthy ways---and often by doing things for others as a way to feel "needed" and valuable. But what happens when our doing isn't met with praise or acknowledgment? Then we get angry, resentful, feel taken for granted, unappreciated, or unloved. But when we feed our self esteem ourselves, it breaks this cycle. Then we can give to others without being attached to a certain outcome, to their praise, because we give to give, not to gain.

4 Steps to Creating a Support System

It's important to be able to ask other people for support, help and assistance, both in your parenting and personal journeys. And yet, sometimes, we will ask for help from our spouse, a friend, or a neighbor, and they will say no. They may be unable to help you, or unwilling to help you.

What do you do? As I see it, you have four options:

1. Recognize it's not personal.

Too often, we take a no as a sign of personal rejection. But most often, it has more to do with the other person than with anything personal to us. Simply accept that sometimes people can't help; and that sometimes, people don't want to help. It doesn't mean they don't like you. It doesn't mean that they wouldn't help you at another time. But graciously accept their no for what it is:  a simple expression of their needs, and their decision to be kind to themselves.

I remember when I was a frazzled, overwhelmed mom of three small children. At the time, our town was building a beautiful park, a community effort. I offered to help with an afternoon of building, but when that offering turned into several more requests for my help, I said no. I was giving what I could, and couldn't offer any more.

This is true of all of us. If someone is giving all that they can, accept their no, and move onto step #2.

2. Keep asking until you get a yes.
Don't presume that just because one person is unable to help you, you're left on your own. If your friend can't pick up your son from school, try someone you don't know very well. If your husband can't empathize with your toddler troubles, call a girlfriend, instead.

Often, the sting of a no deflates our confidence, keeping us from reaching out and seeking another source of help. Yes, sometimes asking for help makes us uncomfortable. Yes, the other person may say no. But the rewards of facing our discomfort are many:  often the difference between support, or toughing it out on our own.

3. Count on yourself.
Sometimes, you won't find help. Sometimes, you'll need to rely on yourself, and on your own devices.  This was the case for me this weekend. I wanted to vent to my husband, but he wasn't willing to listen to me gripe:  he was tired after a busy day, and wanted to read his magazine. At first, I was angry:  How dare he not help me! Isn't that what spouses are for?

But then I realized that he was simply doing what I do:  setting boundaries. I sometimes say no, not because I can't do something, but because I'm choosing not to. It's important that I extend this same courtesy to the other people in my life.

If no one is available to help me, I'm not alone:  I'm still left with my greatest resource:  myself. How can I meet my own needs? How can I mother myself? How can I help myself feel better?

Laurel Mellin's excellent book, The Pathway, says that these skills are the key to healing negative, self destructive habits. I used sugar for comfort for years, until I learned how to care for myself in more loving, healthier ways. The key to mothering yourself is that it's a skill:  something that can be taught, learned, and honed with practice.

When you have a situation where you're forced to rely on yourself, look at is as an opportunity to improve that skill---to mother yourself---instead of turning it into a negative story about how you can't count on other people for support. Learn how to count on yourself. Learn how to count on God, who never leaves you.

One thing that helps me mother myself is making a "happy" list. Brainstorm healthy ways that you can comfort yourself when you're feeling down, so that when you have a bad day, you can meet your needs for cheer yourself, even if no one is available to pick you up.

4. Man your support team.
In her fantastic book, Fearless Living,  life coach Rhonda Britten speaks to the importance of manning your support team. You need a variety of people to serve in various roles as your helpmeets:  sometimes you need a cheerleader, someone to give you a pep talk. Sometimes you need advice from a mentor. Sometimes you need empathy from someone "who's been there," who's walked the path before you. Find people who can serve these functions in your life.

I think women often make the mistake of relying on one or two people for support; usually their spouse and a good friend. I know I've done this. There are two problems with this scenario. First, it taxes those we love. If we solely depend on one or two people to pick us up when we're down, we may wear them out, or find them unable to help us. Having a larger team means there are more helpers to ask for assistance. So if one person is unavailable, you have a backup source. The other problem of relying on your husband is that sometimes the men in our lives can't genuinely understand or empathize with our issues. While they love us, and want to support us, they just may not know what to say to a woman who's given birth and is feeling overwhelmed; or to a mother who's feeling lost.  Girlfriends, mothers, and aunts do know what you're experiencing, and are often better sources of help.

Manning a support team is about learning how to mother yourself; how to find ways to meet your own needs without turning to negative behaviors like overeating, overspending, or drinking. Over the years, I've gathered several women who serve as counselors, guides, mentors and sources of support. I have older women friends who serve as surrogate moms, a few, very close bare-my-soul girlfriends, business mentors, and moms I know I can rely on in a pinch. A few weeks ago, when I was going through a tough time, I called one of my surrogate moms. Her advice and care was just what I needed.

Not only did she lift my mood, and help me make sense of my feelings, but her support also made me feel loved. When you feel supported and cared for, this feeds your self love, as well as your self esteem and confidence. This, in turn, enables you to continue to ask for support when you need it, and to find additional ways to love and nurture yourself:   a  positive, mutually reciprocal cycle that feeds your growth, over and over again. 

Disappointed on your birthday? How to meet your needs on holidays

For a long time, I lived with internal, unwritten rules:  expectations for my friends, family, and loved ones. These rules sounded something like this:  If you love me, you will remember my birthday. If you love me, you will take me out on a date at least once a month. If you love me, you will remember my hints for gifts and surprise me with the body oil/book/CD I mentioned. If you love me, you will tell me I'm pretty.

So, when a friend forgot my birthday, guess what? I was devastated. When my husband didn't read my mind and plan a date, I pouted and withdrew. When my mom didn't heed my hints for a birthday gift, I was disappointed.

It took me several years to have the confidence (and maturity) to ask for what I need. Is it more romantic, more spontaneous when someone guesses what you want, and surprises you with it? Maybe. But my desire for romance often meant that I was constantly trying to manipulate those around me --- Love me this way; No, love me this way. The irony of this situation is that I was often blind to the ways my friends and family did love me, because I was too busy keeping score.

Now I accept all gifts of love that come my way. Yes, love is flowers, and cards, a thoughtfully chosen gift, remembrance of a birthday or an anniversary. But love is also my husband arising every weekday at 5 a.m., to provide for me and my children. Love is my mom sending me money for my birthday, so I can pick out something I want. Love is a friend writing me an email, just to see how I'm doing.

Think of the many ways that you are loved. List them. Like me, you may be pleasantly surprised:  you are surrounded by love.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, a day of huge expectations for many women. I ask you:  what do you want for Valentine's Day? Have you asked for it? Or, here's an even bolder idea:  Have you given this gift to yourself?

Every women I know wants to feel beautiful, adored, treasured, and feminine. Every woman wants to feel like a queen. But these feelings are primarily an inside job. First and foremost, it is up to each and every one of us to see that we nurture those feelings of beauty, appreciation, love and adoration in our lives.

So, be your own romantic. Buy yourself flowers. Take a bubble bath. Pamper your body with a luscious scented oil. Read a sexy novel. Light candles, dim the lights, and put on some jazz. Set a beautiful table. Get dolled up for dinner. Wear beautiful lingerie under your clothes....even if the only one who sees your purple panties is your pet cat.

Of course, doing these things has a sneaky side benefit. As you romance yourself, your partner, your friends, your neighbors feel the difference. They sense something has changed. They find themselves attracted to you. They delight in your company. And guess what? You just might see more of the very flowers, romance, and dates that you wanted from them in the first place.

10 Tips on Saying No

One of the hardest things for me in my self-care journey has been learning how to graciously say no. For most of my life, I've been a people pleaser. I would much rather say yes, and keep the peace, then say no and ruffle feathers. This meant that I spent many years spinning my wheels, taking on too much, and saying yes to every request, even if I resented it.

Saying no, I've learned, is just a skill:  a skill that can be learned, as well as practiced, honed and sharpened over time. Here are ten tips on saying no:

1. Ask for advance notice. It's very stressful to be put on the spot at the last minute:  a 12 hour notice for baking, for example, drives me crazy. So I set the expectation with my children's teachers that I was unable to help with any baking unless I had several days notice. This proved to be a win-win for everyone:  I explained how they could help me, so that I could help them.

2. Offer what you are willing to do. If you say no, you can temper your response by offering to help out at a different time, or by helping out in a different way. For example, if your neighbor's daughter is selling chocolates as a fund raiser for her school, and you don't want to buy, you can politely decline, but offer to contribute $10 without purchasing any chocolates.

3. Use rules to simplify your decision making. Here are some of my rules:  I don't give money over the phone. (I plan my giving, and write out checks once a month.) I don't schedule activities for Sundays, reserving Sundays for family time. I don't attend Tupperware/Pampered Chef/Candle parties where a salesperson is selling things. (I don't like the pressure to buy.) What rules do is give you parameters, guidelines that simplify your decision making. So, for example, if someone calls wanting to collect money for a charitable cause, I can politely decline, citing my rule:  I'm sorry, I don't give money over the phone. If you want to send me something in the mail, I can look at it and decide if it's something I want to contribute towards.

4. Try, "I'm sorry, but I'm maximized right now, and am unable to help." Sometimes, there's no getting around it:  your plate is just too full. This simple statement conveys it all, without a long explanation. 

5. Sometimes a simple, "No," is sufficient. For several years, any time I said, "No" I felt as if I had to provide evidence supporting my answer:  a long winded reason why I was unable to help.  But sometimes, I didn't have a  reason:  I  just didn't want to. Furthermore, when I explained my reasons, sometimes I would find myself getting in a debate with my husband or children, trying to defend my reasons in the first place. This is where a simple, "No," comes in handy. Said with a warm smile, it conveys the message very clearly.

6. Set boundaries on your commitments. A ran into an overwhelmed friend of mine at the ski hill. She was working on her school's annual fund raising bash, a job she thought she would be sharing with 10 or 12 other moms, when, in truth, she was doing 90% of the work. When we don't set clear boundaries, it's easy for a small job to grow into something much larger than what we committed to. The way to temper this is by setting a clear guideline, up front:  I can bring two dozen brownies to the music recital. I can talk to 10 businesses to get donations for the school bash. I can help you for 30 minutes after dinner with your Math homework. That's much clearer than, "I'll bake for the music recital, I'll help with the school bash, or I'll help you with your homework."

7. Recognize that saying "No" gets easier over time. At first, saying no felt very uncomfortable:  I was afraid people would think I was selfish or mean. But I found the opposite to be true:  most people were grateful for my honesty. Each time I said no I became more comfortable setting limits, and gained strength for the next time.

8. Appreciate how saying no allows you to say yes. When I said, "Yes, I'll help," when I wanted to say, "No," my behavior lacked integrity. This gave people around me unease:  they never knew if I really meant it when I said, "Yes." But now that I let my yes be yes, and my no, be no, my behavior has integrity. People feel as if they can rely on me, they trust me, because they know that if I say, "Yes," I mean it this time.

9. There is a season for everything:  a no isn't forever. When I had my first daughter in my 20s, I befriended a wise 60 year old woman. She told me that the time when your children are young is precious, and short:  not the time to be running around, devoting your energy to your community. While that work is also important, and has merit, it can wait until your children are older. So being unable to help with the library fund raiser for the next few years doesn't mean that you won't be eager to help once your children are older and are in school. You don't have to do it all at the same time.

10. Saying "No" inspires other women. Every time you graciously decline to do something, you encourage other women to do the same. Your standing up for your time and values serves as an example:  for your children, your family, and other women in your circle. Just last week, I was invited to speak at a woman's group. But my plate is too full right now, so I politely declined. I received a kind email back from the woman who invited me thanking me for my gracious response; she was empowered by my action, because it reminded her of the importance of saying "No" in her own life.

10 Frugal, Simple Steps for Strong Family Connections

What creates strong families and healthy, confident children? Meaningful connection. In his groundbreaking book, Hold Onto Your Kids, psychologist Gordon Neufeld argues that many of the problems in today's children, from violence to promiscuity to low self esteem, stem from an overattachment to peers, and an underattachment to parents.

Many believe that connection is only for those with excess time and money. But it's really about mindfulness. My family life is paramount to my happiness; at the same time, as a busy, working mom of four, I value simplicity. Here are ten ways I create connection with my children on a budget:

1. Give experiences, not things. Are you a haver, or a doer? Often, what our children most want is our time and attention. Think outside the box for holidays and birthdays:  what about a lunch date with Mom? Or a visit to a park, or an afternoon at the pool? We fill our children's Christmas stockings with coupons for Mom and Dad dates (see #3), and incorporate family rituals such as, "King/Queen for the Day," when the reigning child gets to choose a fun family activity and plan that evening's dinner menu.
2. Bring extended family on board. Carry rule number one one step further and encourage the gift of connection with other family members. My husband and I both come from large extended families. Rather than fill our Christmas tree with unnecessary plastic objects, we encourage our families to give our children gifts of time:  a sleepover at a beloved auntie's house, music lessons, a trip to a museum, or another outing. Our eldest daughter, age 11, has even traveled by herself across the country to visit family:  something she'll treasure, and remember, far more than a Barbie doll.
3. Schedule dates with your children. With a large family, it's important that my husband and I spend one on one time with our children. We schedule regular dates with each child, so they get uninterrupted, focused time with Mom or Dad:  a lunch date, a few hours at a coffeehouse, or a game of chess. This can even be something as simple as going to the grocery store with Mom, or working with Dad in his office. We look at family time as something to incorporate into our lives, not as something to add to our lives.
4. Plan for alone time. This may seem counterintuitive --- after all, isn't the point of having a family to be together? But just as we need times of connection, we also need periods of quiet and stillness, to be with our own thoughts. Sometimes, we have a family-wide afternoon "siesta." After a snack, we retreat separately to our bedrooms, the couch, or another cozy area of the home to read, listen to a story on tape, draw, or rest. Afterwards, everyone's patience is improved.
5. Create rituals. Children naturally crave order and routine:  they feel comforted by rituals, by knowing what to expect. We create rituals out of normal, everyday things --- things that we were doing anyway --- and made them special.  Sunday mornings are Dad's famous waffle breakfasts; Thursday nights are wrestle nights; Friday evenings are homemade pizza and family movie nights. We also create rituals for our spending, incorporating regular purchases into holidays to add spark.This can mean new pajamas at Christmas (from the elves), a summer hat or rain boots at Easter, and a new sweater on the Winter Solstice.
6. Assign your children as your helpers. My children love baking, doing crafts or art projects, and even fixing broken appliances...when they feel like it's time with Mom or Dad. Think of Little House on the Prairie:  how much of Laura's day was "work." And yet it didn't feel like work because she was helping Ma and Pa. Similarly, approach your home care and other chores as something to do together. I appoint a child as my sous chef for dinner preparation assistance; my son is often my husband's apprentice when he's tackling home repair projects; I anoint my daughters as my office assistants --- they help file, collect documents from the printer, and do simple data entry. The side bonus? You are (slyly) teaching your children various skills as they work beside you.
7. Read aloud at meal times. We use dinnertime as a way to explore our world, often by reading a book aloud. There's something special about reading a book together as a family:  you gain a shared vocabulary, a bond of language that feels like a secret, revealed to your family alone. Our family will often use favorite lines or quips from books throughout our day, and we all laugh, remembering the passage from the book. Or we incorporate a book's characters into our play:  pretending we're the Riders of Rohan (from The Lord of the Rings) when we're riding bikes.
8. Use magic to create anticipation and meaning. So often we resort to buying things --- things that need to be stored, organized, repaired, cared for, cleaned, washed --- because we haven't thought of a creative alternative. What things bring is excitement: the rush of having something new. While there is a time and a place for gifts, you can recreate those same feelings in other ways, by incorporating magic and ritual to holidays and other celebrations. Our home is besotted with magic:  the birthday fairy decorates our dining room with streamers the night before a child's birthday; the Easter bunny weaves a lengthy scavenger hunt for the children's Easter baskets; the Halloween fairy collects our children's Halloween candy on November 1st, leaving a small gift in its place (this is fantastic for getting the sugar out of the house, and, I swear, my children love this!)
9. Have a simple way for your children to ask for what they need. Sometimes it's hard for children to ask for what they need. Sometimes they're feeling inside-out and they are unsure of what they need. We use code words with our children so they can ask for extra attention. We also have them create "Happy lists:"  things that offer them comfort when they're sad, lonely, or angry. When they're feeling sad or wanting extra attention, we go to their lists, and they pick something, based on how much time we have at the moment. Maybe we spend 10 minutes looking at their baby book while I tell them what they were like as babies; maybe we play a game; maybe we go for a walk. Their "Happy lists" empower them to seek out ways to help themselves when they're down; a  tool they can use throughout their lives.
10. Swap a notebook. I wrote about our family notebooks in detail, here:  A Simple Tip to Cultivate Gratitude for Your Spouse. Here's a recap:  I buy inexpensive moleskine notebooks and write positive, encouraging notes in them to my children and spouse. My husband and I keep our notebook on our bathroom counter; my children and I trade our notebooks in our in-boxes. (Each member of the family has an in-box in our home office.) This ritual, literally, changed my marriage. Besides creating a more loving home environment, the notebooks also serve as a chronicle of our family's history:  an easy scrapbook of memories for future remembrances.

A Relationship Tip to Cultivate Gratitude for your Spouse

This is the story of how a moleskine notebook saved my marriage.

As Alan Loy Mcginnis observed, "If you train your mind to search for the positive things about other people, you will be surprised at how many good things you can observe in them."

Searching for the positive in your spouse is easy when life is running smoothly. But how do you train your mind to search for the positive when your marriage is under stress, money is tight, or you're in a crisis?

That was my situation a few years ago:  my husband and I were super-stressed:  overwhelmed parents of a new business, as well as several small children. I was depressed, we both were anxious; neither of us were sleeping much. We intentionally lived on a teeny salary, choosing to fund our business instead. This confluence of events meant that we were often short tempered, irritable, and took our frustrations out on each other. This was not conducive to a loving marriage.

Mindful Giving: How to Help Others without Feeling Resentful

The way I view giving is that giving and receiving are intertwined:  you can't separate the end from the means. By this I mean that when we give to others, we also simultaneously give to ourselves. Likewise, what we give to others we also give to ourselves. And the attitude by which we give? That, too, is not only sent out to others, but is also directed towards our own being.

I was thinking about this and the years I gave to my family with much resentment and bitterness. These were the years I lived as a Mommy martyr, where I viewed my self worth as a mother and wife through the lens of sacrifice. Giving propped up my self esteem; I needed to give in order to feel good about myself. The problem with this scenario is that you can only give what you are. So if you are filled with resentment, anger and bitterness, as I was, guess what you give? Resentment, anger and bitterness. Your recipients---your family, community, and friends---will feel this. Giving with a grateful heart, by contrast, does just the opposite. Your recipients will also feel this and respond accordingly.

Have you ever received a present from someone that felt dutiful, or even inappropriate? Have you ever gotten a compliment that didn't seem sincere? Have you asked for a favor, but then found that the person who agreed to help you didn't follow through 100%? How did you feel? I'm betting you felt a bit icky inside. Why? You were feeling the feelings that came along with the gift.

Think about this from your own standpoint:  have you ever said yes when you wanted to say no, and then only fulfilled your obligation in a half-hearted manner? Have you given gifts when you didn't want to give, and so you found a way to fulfill your "duty" without sincerity, such as giving the smallest amount possible, or buying something cheap just to give something?

Contrast these experiences with giving from a place of true generosity:  think of the delight you feel when you give generously; when you do something just because, without a feeling of obligation; when you offer your family your love, time and attention in a way that meets your needs, and theirs.

Our children are attentive and perceptive. They are watching our every move. They learn how we live. If I am living a life of bitter sacrifice, what am I teaching them? I'm teaching them that being a mother is a miserable, self sacrificing role; that you can't count on others to help meet your needs; that you are only valuable as a person if you're giving to others; that your own needs don't count. Perhaps worst of all, I'm teaching them that they are the cause of my unhappiness. Ouch.

Contrast this list with what I teach them when I take the opportunity to care for myself excellently, so that I'm giving from a place of abundance, joy and ease:  I'm teaching them that we are each responsible for our own happiness; that you can rely on others to support you; that being a mother brings joy, as well as intentional, freely offered sacrifice; that your self worth and value has nothing to do with what you give or do.

These are the lessons I wish to teach my children. How about you?

Mothering from Your Strengths

I just finished a fantastic article in the September issue of O Magazine, where author and leadership guru Marcus Buckingham offered his philosophy on finding your bliss:  use your strengths as a guide.

He believes that we all intuitively know what makes us happy, brings us joy, and makes us feel good. But because of many reasons, such as not valuing our strengths (the fact that they come easily to us can mean that we discount them), or denying them due to our inner "should" voice and sense of duty, we're often miserable in our vocations. Buckinham's arena is the workforce, but I read the article thinking about how I could apply his principles to my role as a mom and wife, and as our family's household manager. While I haven't been working full time in an office setting for many years now, I have been a mom and family manager for nearly eleven years. Many of those years were miserable and unfulfilling. How could I use his ideas to make my role as a Mom and household manager more joyful?

The first step is identifying your strengths:  Marcus's plan is to spend a week marking down specific, detailed instances where you either love or loathe what you're doing. (Go here to download his strength test on Oprah's website.) The key is not just to find something that you're good at, but also something that you enjoy; that "nourishes you" on a deep level.

After you know your strengths, then you can design your experience so that it honors those choices:  "One of the most insidious myths people suffer under in the workplace is this idea that we should all be team players and do what the team asks of us. It's a moral myth, but it misunderstands our moral duty. Our real moral duty is to offer our greatest strength to the team---to give it the opportunity to use us where we're at our strongest."

If you flip this advice to a family---which is a team, as well---you can see that Marcus's message isn't that different from my own:  that we serve others best by honoring ourselves. When we honor ourselves, when we are fulfilled, joyful, content, and using our gifts in ways that nourish us, we are able to parent, connect, and love others from a different space. Denying who we are and what we do best ultimately serves no one:  particularly if we are caretaking.

For years, I was a miserable mother. Much of my misery stemmed from mothering in a way that didn't honor my strengths:  I had this internal idea of what a "proper" mother should, or shouldn't do, and abided by that. The problem was that this idea came from outside of myself, from our culture, how I was parented, and how I saw others parenting, and didn't acknowledge what brought me joy and made me the best mother I could be. I never thought to ask myself what I most enjoyed about being a parent, a mom, and a wife. It is only recently that I've felt that I could focus my energies on what I'm good at, and have help or even---gasp!---omit those duties that I dislike.

I think my children and husband would much prefer to have a dirtier house and a happier mom, than a cleaner house and a bitter mom. I think they would much prefer to have simpler meals and a happier mom than fancy meals and a resentful mom. I think they would much prefer to have a happy mom who is unavailable for a few hours a day---when I'm running or writing or working---than an unhappy mom who is always around. 

As I see it, honoring your strengths is just another version of self care. It's finding tasks that nourish you.  It's finding creative ways to minimize or transform those tasks that don't. Eventually, as Marcus says, the whole team, the whole family, benefits. A nourished mother, a mother who is the best mother that she can be, translates into excellent care for everyone; a gentle hand that guides the world. 

Create Your Tribe: Let Other Women Help You

"Remember the dignity of your womanhood."

-Christabel Pankhurst

Last night, I spoke to my best friend for hours on the phone. I was feeling inside out:  worn out from Mommying four children, tired of the hard work involved in writing every day, and detached from the me that isn't the Mom and wife. Our talk made me laugh, reconnect with my femininity, and lighten up:  I went to bed with a full heart. This morning I went for a walk with a friend; and then I connected with another acquiantance at the pool:  two more opportunities to nurture and be nurtured. Each woman offered her own, unique version of levity, advice, and encouragement. And each woman reminded me of the importance of sisterhood.

One of my favorite novels is Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, a story of four lifelong friends who share each other's ups and downs. I love this book because it gleefully recounts the camaraderie of women. I also love it because I, too, long for a group of friends like the Ya Yas. What women doesn't want a tribe, a circle of friends?

Every woman deserves a tribe:  A best friend who knows your soul, inside and out. A childhood friend who remembers you as a girl, and reminds you of who you've been. An aunt, a mother, or a mentor who reminds you of who you want to be. A fashionista who can tell you what colors, hairstyle, make-up and clothes make you look your best. A cheerleader, to keep you going when you're feeling discouraged. A rowdy, crazy, fun pal, who takes you out of your comfort zone and can always be counted on for a good story. A mother friend, who loves watching your kids when you want to run away from home.

Who's in your tribe? Who do you wish was in your tribe?

Do you want to learn how to knit, vacation in Mexico, jitterbug, cook from scratch, garden, paint? Do you want to know how to dress stylishly, to stop emotionally eating, to run a marathon? I guarantee there's a women who would love to help you.

Too often we let intimidation prevent us from reaching out to other women. I know many women who have lots and lots of acquaintances, but few close friends. Moving from acquiantanceship to friendship implies a willingness for intimacy; an expression of your desire for increased closeness. This is scary, and risky; because not every acquiantance wants to be a best friend.

But what's even riskier, and scarier, is to miss an opportunity for an incredible source of support, kinship, and fun. Other women can be our strongest allies. Other women can be our greatest teachers. Other women can be our greatest asset. We aren't meant to mother alone. We aren't meant to work alone. We aren't meant to journey through womanhood alone.

Where's your tribe? How can you create one, today?