First Ourselves

Finding Balance as a Mom: 4 Questions to Guide Your Choices

Are you too child centered?

I'd never thought of myself in this way. But I'm reading Judith Warner's excellent book, Perfect Madness:  Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety, and her comments made me view my parenting practices from a different perspective. She suggests that many modern moms are out of balance, catering too much to their children, putting them first to a fault. Here are some examples: 

The typical, middle class American home has a backyard that rivals a park; a basement or room set aside just for play and toys; living spaces devoted to children rather than adult pursuits (great rooms and family rooms versus dining room or living rooms.)

Family life revolves around shuttling children to and from playdates, activities, and lessons, all week and weekend long. Family budgets, the same.

Meals are reduced to kid fare:  where parents adapt their preferences around what their children will eat, rather than the other way around.

Those are just a few examples to get you thinking. Here are examples from my own life where I'm out of balance:

I've put aside my loves and passions because I didn't think they were appropriate for a "mom" or family. For example, I stopped listening to certain types of music, watching TV, reading fashion magazines, and dressing up when I became a parent.

I've nursed and slept with my 18 month old since he was born, leading to exhaustion, depression and friction in my marriage.

I feel inordinately responsible for my children's happiness, where I try to keep them from experiencing sadness, disappointment, or anger. I shelter them from people who may not love them as I do, such as cranky teachers or mean kids, and feel as if it's my duty to be the mood police, picking them up when they're sad or down.

I've stayed in a place that I've wanted to leave for years because it's good for my children, even though it's difficult for me.

What is the sum result of these choices? I've felt lost, like I gave up my identity as a human being when I became a mom. I've been, at turns, resentful, unhappy and depressed, because I eliminated the things that speak to "me" and bring me joy. I've felt trapped by my idealism, feeling like I have to do and be everything for my children, instead of letting institutions or other people help. I wasn't just my children's mother, but also their teacher, doctor, psychologist, friend, and social coordinator. No wonder I've been overwhelmed and exhausted:  this is the natural consequence of overcontrol.

Letting go of Super Woman: Why We Can't Do it All

Do you know that woman, the one who makes you wonder, “How does she do it?”  The woman who leaves you in awe, because her house, herself, and her children are always immaculate?

I am that woman.

And I’m here to tell you:  this is how she does it:  she doesn’t.

For years, I tried. I really, really tried. I was the "perfect" earth mother -- I made my own baby food and baby wipes, washed my own diapers, homeschooled, cooked organic, gluten-free food from scratch, and never defaced my children’s nutrition with McDonald’s.

I was the self-serving, soft-spoken Montessori mom. I read all the right parenting books, trying to tame my temper, my anger, my irritation and frustration:  I wanted to say all the right things, so that my children would have the most perfect, loving childhood. I felt so guilty when I never measured up:  like I was screwing up my kids for yelling or losing it.

I was the ultimate host:  birthday parties were choreographed affairs; having friends over for dinner entailed lavish spreads; I hosted 4th of July bbqs for 50 people in my backyard.

Erase Mommy Guilt

Do you feel like the worst mom ever? 

I did, until I read Ann Dunnewold's amazing book, Even June Cleaver Would Forget the Juice Box:  Cut Yourself Some Slack (and Still Raise Great Kids) in the Age of Extreme Parenting. She's the author of today's post on banishing mommy guilt:

Know that continual litany in your head, with the inner critic tallying up your failures? “What a bad mom.” “Everyone else has it together.” “Here I go again, warping my child’s little psyche.” “I missed preschool sign-up — he’ll never get into the Ivy League now.” Hardly a mom is immune, especially considering what kind of superkids we expect to produce these days.

What about these thoughts. Do they sound familiar?

“Good moms never yell.”
“I had these kids, so I should give them my all.”
“I can’t stand her crying one more minute.”
“I’m such a bad mom; I even prefer laundry over Candyland.”
“This house is such a mess — it will be impossible to clean it up.”

Most days, most moms’ thoughts roll through some version of these.  And we feel lousy when they feel so true!! Teasing out the underlying thinking traps -- irrational thoughts -- that fuel worry and guilt is like mommy guilt boot camp. With your brain in straight-thinking shape, you’ll no longer feel like the lead nominee for “Worst Mother of the Year.” Here are 3 types of thinking that make you feel like a failure — and 3 steps to stop.

Mothers of Preschoolers: 5 Parenting Tips for Toddlers and Preschoolers

Caring for babies, toddlers and preschoolers is a lot of work. It's physically demanding because you're responsible for meeting 95% of their needs:  you feed them, change them, bathe them, and nurse them, often while caring for a home on the side. It's also emotionally demanding. Mothers of preschoolers are teaching their children the basics of emotional intelligence:  how to cope with their feelings, ask for help, and work out disagreements. 

If you're a mom of a preschooler, it's easy and normal to feel overwhelmed, especially if you have multiple children in your care. Here are 5 tips to help you when you're knee deep in Mommy fatigue: 

1. This, too, shall pass. Your life won't consist of soiled diapers and sticky fingers forever.  Eventually, the workload will ease:  children become potty trained, sleep through the night, feed themselves, and navigate more and more of their world with independence. Yes, you're still a parent, and yes, your children's later years also have their challenges. But they aren't as physically demanding as the early years.

Take Me Time without Feeling Guilty: A Guide for Moms

First Ourselves means that we put ourselves, first, for the highest good of all. Women are the backbone of a family, community, and society; our nurturing and caretaking creates a solid foundation. But as we care for others, we must also care for ourselves, so that the foundation isn't built on resentment, anger, and impossible standards that we exhaust ourselves trying to maintain.

Katrin Schumann, Anne Nolen, and Susan Callahan, the authors of the fantastic new book, Mothers Need Time-Outs, Too, also place a high importance on a mom's self-care:  "Moms everywhere—whether they have careers or stay at home—want to do the best job they can, but are often overwhelmed by the hectic pace of modern motherhood. We learned that being selfish isn’t always bad!" As they put it, "We want to be great mothers… without losing ourselves along the way."

Yet it's difficult to take time for yourself if you're bombarded by guilty feelings whenever you do so. How do you overcome this roadblock? Here's an excerpt from Mothers Need Time-Outs, Too, with several suggestions:

Guilt:  It's just a big, fat excuse!

Even though pretty much anyone can recognize the negative effects of running on empty—and the positive effect of feeling appreciated and centered—there are lots of mothers out there who just can’t seem to make taking time-outs for themselves a reality. Why? Almost 100% of the women we talked to cited two reasons. The first is that they simply don’t believe they have the spare time.

But the second is the real clincher: They feel guilty.  According to a 2006 ABC News Poll, 52% of mothers say they suffer from parental guilt—mostly because they worry they don’t spend enough time with their kids.

How to Let Go of Your Parental Control Freak

There is a huge difference between influencing your children and controlling them. Control is impossible:  ultimately, you can't make your children do much of anything. Even two-year-olds prize their autonomy. Yes, you can threaten, bribe, and yell until your children finally acquiesce, but this doesn't feel good to the parent or the child.

And yet every parent has certain values, ideas and lessons they want to impart to their children, from maintaining good health to concern for others to valuing people over things. Every parent wants to protect their child from some of the baser elements of our society; also, to guide their children through the maze of choices until their children have the skills to lead themselves.

You Come First: Be A Woman, Then a Mom

Women are heaping scorn on the new reality TV Show, The Secret Life of a Soccer Mom. The show's premise, giving stay at home moms the opportunity to try out their "dream jobs," has provoked an outcry from mothers who see show participants as "selfish" or indulging in "child abandonment." 

As this TV show points out, the work/not to work decision creates such strong reactions in women, not so much because it questions whether a mom should work outside the home---there are plenty of jobs that entail just as much grunt work as caring for a home and children---rather because it touches on our very beliefs about the role of motherhood itself. It begs the question:  how much should a woman assert her own needs over her children’s?

When a woman becomes a mom, does it necessarily mean putting the other parts of her life---and herself---on hold?

Our culture's historical answers to these questions has been, "Yes." Things like a career, hobbies, a healthy sex life, and relationships: they are secondary to motherhood. Implicit in this argument is that you shouldn't take time away from your children to nurture your marriage, your friendships, or your hobbies:  to fulfill the other parts of you that aren't a mom. It's as if being a mom should be your only fulfillment.

Parenting Help: Do You Ever Lose it with Your Kids?

Every Monday we mother the mother at firstourselves.com, providing encouragement, parenting tips, and ideas to support moms in their parenting journey.

Have you ever yelled at your kids when you get angry? Ever lose your temper or your patience? Say things you swore you'd never say, like, "Because I said so!"

I know I have; every mom has. How do you feel about yourself as a mom when you turn into witch Mommy?

Here's how I feel:  That I'm screwing up my kids. That a good Mom wouldn't yell or lose her patience. That I'm the only Mom who acts this way.

4 Ways Healthy Selfishness Benefits Families

Every Monday we mother the mother at firstourselves.com, offering encouragement for moms and positive parenting tips. 

Can selfishness be healthy? Can a selfish mom create a happier, healthier, stronger family? Does putting yourself first serve the highest good of all:  your children, spouse, community, and world?

Absolutely.

One of the greatest gifts a mom can give her children is her own happiness. And happiness is something that each woman has to find, make, and create for herself. As women, wives and mothers, we are often others centered, focusing our time and energies on caring for our children, spouses, and families. But as we give to others, we must also give to ourselves. When a woman applies the same nurturing to herself that she applies to other people, everyone benefits. It's the old adage:  if mom ain't happy, nobody's happy.

 

Self Discovery in 7 Steps: How to Reclaim Yourself as a Woman..and Still be a Mom

It is very common for moms to experience an identity crises:  when you wake up one day with no idea who you are, what you want, what you like, or who the real "you" is, outside of your role as a wife and mother.

I felt lost for years. I was a people pleaser who abhorred conflict, which often meant that I would override my wishes in order to keep the family peace. But feeling lost goes beyond people pleasing. I think it's a natural byproduct of the self-sacrificing nature of motherhood. When we spend years---decades---putting a little person's needs above our own, it makes sense that, in our busyness in serving others, we forget what our own needs are.

As a caretaker, we are others focused. As a woman, we are self focused. The key is balancing these two needs; honoring both with---and in---your life. When you're out of balance, too others focused, you end up mothering from resentment, feeling like you're always giving, giving, giving. At the other extreme, you serve yourself at the expense of your family, suffering the painful consequences of guilt and fractured relationships.

10 Ways to Get Your Kids to Listen without Yelling, Threatening, or Nagging

Every Monday is about happy mothering at firstourselves.com, where we offer positive parenting tips and encouragement for mothers.

We all find times when our patience is stretched as a parent; when we resort to nagging, yelling, threatening or bribing because we're at our wits end, unconfident of other ways of gaining our children's cooperation.

I am by no means a perfect parent. But I am a keen observer. I've spent the last eleven years as a parent, and I've learned several tricks for enlisting my children's cooperation with chores, listening, and following directions. I share them here with you, in the hopes that they may bring peace to your household, as well:

1. Feed them first. I think about myself, and how when I'm tired and hungry, the smallest task becomes amplified and overwhelming. Our children are no different. In fact, it's more challenging for them, because they don't have the emotional maturity to understand that their overwhelment or frustration is due to fatigue. My five year old son whined and fussed about doing his chores every morning, until I discovered that feeding him breakfast before he tackled his chores made all the difference. He couldn't focus on emptying the dishwasher---he was hungry. Before you ask your children to help around the house, feed them. You'll be amazed at the difference in their cooperation once they've been fed.

10 Sugar Free Valentine's Day Ideas

Holidays are tricky times for anyone trying to eat less sugar---or for anyone who has food allergies or a medical condition that forces them to abstain from certain foods. Our holiday celebrations are punctuated with candy, cakes, cookies, and other desserts. While they may be good for our tastebuds, they aren't good for our waistlines, our health, or our children's health.

As a mother of four who has consciously limited her children's sugar intake over the years, I've learned several tricks to make holidays fun...and healthy. They key is creative alternatives. If a box of chocolates, for example, traditionally took center stage in your Valentine's Day celebrations, think of a non-sugar substitute to put in its place. When we eliminate the sugar without finding a replacement, it creates a vacuum, so the holiday can feel off, as if something's missing. Fill that space with something fun, so that you don't even miss the sugar.

Here are ten ways to enjoy a sugar free Valentine's Day with your children:

10 Tips on Saying No

One of the hardest things for me in my mothering journey has been learning how to graciously say no.

For most of my life, I've been an approval junkie and a people pleaser. I would much rather say yes, and keep the peace, then say no and ruffle feathers. This meant that I spent much of my early parenting years spinning my wheels, taking on too much, saying yes to every request, even if I resented it.

Saying no, I've learned, is just a skill:  a skill that can be learned, as well as practiced, honed and sharpened over time. Here are ten tips on saying no:

10 Benefits of Working at Home for Kids

Many people mistakenly view working from home as a financial choice. While financial reasons certainly play a part in the decision, I tender that it's primarily a lifestyle choice. I'm a homeschooling mom of four who works from home. I do this not only for financial gain, and professional development; I also work from home for my children's development.

I liken being self-employed or an entrepreneur to being in school:  you are constantly learning new things. The classroom is life itself; the focus, your growth. If you work from home, this education also extends to your children. Have you ever considered the positive lessons your children gain by your working from home?

I have. I see how working from home has increased my children's confidence, creativity and independence. They've learned about finance, marketing, and self discipline. Here are ten lessons that children gain from having a work at home parent:

Encouragement for Moms: A Poignant Reminder of Time's Swift Passage

On Saturday morning, I watched a beautiful, short film, The Years Are Short, produced by Gretchen Rubin, the blogger behind The Happiness Project. It's the story of riding the bus to school with her daughter, and how Gretchen changed her perspective of the morning ritual from one of dread to appreciation.

The video was made more poignant to me as I watched it while nursing my fourth child; the last baby I will ever bring to my breast. It had me reflecting about times in my own parenting journey when the fatigue of caring for a large family has kept me distanced from the present moment; when my drive to accomplish, to move onto the next thing, precluded me from mindfulness. When I'm overwhelmed, it's easy for me to get caught up in thinking, "I can't wait until this stage passes," neglecting to find the joy even in the busy, sometimes harried days of motherhood.