4 Ways Self-Care Benefits Families

I believe in healthy self-care:  taking care of yourself, meeting your needs, and honoring your emotions. Granted, as women we aren't taught to embrace this line of thinking. But when women step up and care for themselves as well as they care for others, their lives are transformed.

How? Instead of controlling others, blaming others, or harboring resentment, we can take responsibility for our choices, and their consequences. We can love our children and families with detachment; without having to be right all the time. 

One of the greatest gifts a mom can give her children is her own happiness. And happiness is something that each woman has to find, make, and create for herself. As women, wives and mothers, we are often others centered, focusing our time and energies on caring for our children, spouses, and families. But as we give to others, we must also give to ourselves. When a woman applies the same nurturing to herself that she applies to other people, everyone benefits. It's the old adage:  if mom ain't happy, nobody's happy.

There is a huge difference between narcissism---self absorption---and healthy selfishness. Self absorption is honoring your needs at the expense of others; healthy selfishness is honoring your needs for the benefit of others.

Balanced self-care boosts your confidence, your self esteem; it can eliminate destructive habits from your life, as you trade negative coping skills for positive ones. It can add meaning and feed your sense of purpose, as you find ways to connect to the you underneath the Mom.

But what about our children. How do they benefit from a mom who puts herself first?

1. Healthy selfishness teaches our children the keys to self fulfillment. When we take the time to honor our needs, when we take full responsbility for our happiness by seeking out ways to add joy and comfort to our lives, we send a positive, proactive message to our children. Our children learn by our example. When we honor our own needs, we teach our children how to honor their own needs. When we are true to ourselves, we teach our children how to be true to themselves. When we set boundaries and say no, we teach our children how to set boundaries and say no. These are all skills that our children will then take with them when they become parents, which they will pass down to their children; which will be passed down to our children's children. What a beautiful gift; a positive, self perpuating cycle.

2. Healthy selfishness teaches our children independence and self reliance. Mom does not have to do everything. We stunt our children's growth when we do for them what they are capable of doing themselves. When a Mom makes self care a priority, this often means cutting back, and finding ways for other family members to contribute to the running of the household. This is a good thing:  it helps children become more independent, teaches them valuable life skills (I remember many a college classmate stumped by the washing machines), and creates family togetherness. When everyone works together to clean and care for the home, to tackle the various errands, shopping, and organizational tasks that keep a household running smoothly, it creates a feeling of camaraderie; of unity. Children want to feel a part of something. They want to belong. They want to feel as if their contributions matter; we all do. Honor this need by letting your children have opportunities for showing responsibility, while you honor your need to harbor pockets of time for yourself.

3. Healthy selfishness teaches our children the joy of giving with an open heart. When we put ourselves first, we create deep feelings of nurturing, self care, acceptance, and love. These feelings are self feeding:  they grow upon themselves. As we feel loved and cared for, our desire to love and care for our families and our communities increases. Our viewpoint is altered, where we come from a place of abundance---from a surplus, rather than a deficit. So instead of resentfully cooking meals, cleaning toilets, and wiping runny noses, we are able to cheerfully, lovingly do these things. Putting ourselves first doesn't shut us away from others, it's what opens us to others, to give with an open heart.

4. Healthy selfishness grows unconditional love. True giving is giving without expectation; when we give for the joy of giving itself. This is unconditional love:  when we give simply because we care, not because we expect something in return.

Self care feeds unconditional love. How? If we're not offering ourselves self care, love, nurturing and acceptance, our self esteem takes a beating. We then try and feed our self esteem in unhealthy ways---and often by doing things for others as a way to feel "needed" and valuable. But what happens when our doing isn't met with praise or acknowledgment? Then we get angry, resentful, feel taken for granted, unappreciated, or unloved. But when we feed our self esteem ourselves, it breaks this cycle. Then we can give to others without being attached to a certain outcome, to their praise, because we give to give, not to gain.

Comments

[crockpot lady]

Ah! I needed to read this today, thanks!
-steph

[Greg S.]

Thank you! Maybe my GF. will beleive it(live it) if she reads it.
Thanks again.