How to Feel Good About Yourself When You Don't Love Your Body

Sometimes, we love our bodies. We feel effortlessly beautiful. We are confident and secure in our beauty. We see the physical results of our good habits, in the form of a healthy, vital body. We feel proud, happy and content. 

But sometimes, we don't love our bodies. We feel grubby and unkempt. We feel frumpy and flabby and haggard. We feel old. We see the results of our not-so-good habits, and often, this leads to shame, regret, and self-loathing. So not only do we feel badly because we look like crap, we feel extra terrible on top of it, for not loving and accepting our bodies when they aren't at their best.

What is a woman to do? Fortunately, there's a way out:  compassion. Compassion for yourself. Just as it's abusive to pour venom over our bodies because of a few (or more than a few) extra pounds, or to berate ourselves for signs of age, it's just as unkind to scorn ourselves for not loving our bodies. They're all forms of self-abuse.

So, if you've indulged in a few extra holiday treats (I've been there), or if you've abused your body with overeating or undereating (I've been there, too), or if you desire to lose weight (I've been there, three), please:  don't compound your pain. Don't beat yourself up for wanting a different body. Don't beat yourself up for making poor choices. And, don't beat yourself up if you dislike your body. Instead of making your feelings something to fight against---I should love my body---accept your feelings. Sit with them. What do they feel like? What do they look like? What do they say? Can you listen to their message?

Can you embrace them?

A few years ago, when I decided to leave the diet/binge/body bashing treadmill for good, I assumed that loving my body would mean that I, well, would looooove it. Always. All the time. I wanted the high of newlywed bliss, the rapture of the honeymoon, where I was like a new lover, never sated, drunk on my own self-love. I didn't want to accept the inevitable valleys or lulls, the routine, the minutiae of daily life; the days when I simply lived in my body, without the glee, or joy or rush of appreciation.

But now I have a different perspective. I'm thinking that loving my body may mean accepting those times when I don't love my body. Or maybe I do love my body, but I dislike something particular about my appearance. So while I may be grateful for the physical being that houses my soul---my lungs that fill me with breath; my heart that pumps my lifeblood; my breasts and belly and womb that give me pleasure and give life to my children---I may not be so appreciative of its quirks. There are times when I feel frustrated by sickness, an ugly skin rash, unsightly chin hairs, spider veins, the cellulite on my thighs, the sagginess of my butt.

Does this mean I hate my body? Why no. Can I love my body, even while I accept my frustrations? Absolutely; yes. As a mother, I think of how I love my children, but sometimes dislike their behavior. Likewise, my body may test my patience. And yet I still offer it my love---even when I don't feel like it.

A few months ago, I changed the name of the Love Your Body series to the Creating Body Ease series. This was intentional. I realized, that, while, loving your body is an admirable goal, and one I wish for every woman, sometimes, it's difficult. I don't want women to feel burdened by one more to-do, one more item to accomplish in order to feel good about themselves. Instead, let's aim for ease.

What is ease? Ease is freedom, freedom from difficulty or hardship. It's being comfortable. It's feeling unconstrained. Ease implies rest, abiding in gentleness, compassion, and understanding. It's stillness. Calm. A lessening of intensity. It's a feeling of proper perspective, where you relax in your frustration, where the chin hairs and cellulite and wrinkles don't vex you, or alter your perspective of your body as a whole.

So, as you journey into accepting and loving your body, aim for ease. Love? Yes, it will come, and it will be there. But I can love my body without loving every thing about my body, 100% of the time. And I believe that you can, too.

Either way, it's all good. It's all good if we let it be good. If we accept our feelings, our changing appearance, our ugliness, our beauty, and everything in between, without labeling one set of feelings as good, and another as bad, we can find our ease.

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One of the tricks I use to console myself when I'm feeling icky, ashamed, or frustrated is to look at a photo of myself from when I was a baby or a little girl. This changes my perspective, where I'm no longer so focused on my humanity, with all of its peccadilloes and stumbling blocks, and am able to view my divinity---the light within. This is also a very helpful tactic when I'm feeling judgmental towards other people; thinking of them as babies or small children silences my inner critic almost instantly.

Comments

[Cindy]

Wow! I came by your blog through BlogHer. Your headline captured my attention. Your post is fantastic. Every line captured my attention. I look forward to reading more. This topic is right on the mark for many of us. I love your tip about looking at a picture of ourselves when we're a child and thinking about what other people look like when they are children. What a fresh perspective on "silencing that inner critic." This would work great for anger too!

[workout mommy]

great post!! Thank you for the great tip about looking at a photo of ourselves as a baby. An excellent idea and one that I will definitely remember.