Spice Up Your Sex Life: 7 Tips for Having Great Sex … after Kids

It’s no secret that a houseful of little people can put a damper on your sex life:  it’s hard for a mom to feel sexy when her routine revolves around cleaning, laundry, and childcare. Likewise, finding opportunities for romance can be tricky, particularly if you have babies (or children) who don’t sleep through the night.

And yet a healthy sex life is crucial for a marriage or relationship. Sex is the unique language of a couple, something that creates emotional and physical connection. Without sex, it’s easy for parents to feel like roommates, more like a brother and sister than lovers. Furthermore, it’s important for a mother to feel connected to the woman underneath the mom. Regular time for sexual intimacy is one way to meet this need.

How can you have great sex…even with (several) small children? Here are 7 tips:

1. Sex is a skill that can be learned. We like to think that sex is different from say, learning how to cook, or figuring out how to unclog a drain. We assume that sex is something that should come naturally, especially if we’ve been in a long term relationship with the same partner. However, we aren’t born knowing how to have sex….or, shall I say, how to have good sex. Not only that, but our libido and our bodies change over time, especially for women, who fall prey to hormonal changes as well as the exhaustion of new motherhood. If you’re not as proficient as you’d like, or if you’ve lost your desire for sex, pick up a book or video:  there are plenty of fantastic resources that can teach you all you need to know. My favorites include Lou Paget’s books, and The Guide to Getting it On. I blushed when I first read these books, but I learned lots of valuable information that helped me lose my discomfort with my body, regain my lost libido, and overcome my shame about my lusty affections.
2. Find ways to turn off the “mommy” role. For moms especially, it’s very hard to relax and enjoy sex when you’re in parent mode. A dirty house, overflowing laundry, and the sound of a crying child are the biggest libido drains I know. That’s why I say that the best foreplay is a clean house, and my biggest turn on is watching my husband do the dishes. While it may seem like a small thing, his helping around the house accomplishes two things:  it makes me feel cared for and appreciated, and it also lets me ease out of my housewife/mom role. It’s hard to reclaim your inner sex kitten if you’re knee deep in chores, and living in your grungy sweats. How can you counter this? In two ways:   ask for help. This starts with your children. Also let your partner know how much his willingness to pitch in around the house impacts your desire for sex. Most men I know would gladly do a few extra chores for hot sex.
3. Make time for beauty. Not only is it important to get help around the house so that you don’t feel like the family maid, it’s also important for you to take time to nurture your femininity – the woman underneath the soccer mom, chauffeur, disciplinarian, and cook – so that you can tap into your sensual side. Take time to groom yourself. Get dressed in the morning, even if you spend your days at home. Both your confidence and desire will get a boost from liking what you see in the mirror. What makes you feel pampered and pretty? Lingerie? A pedicure? A long bath with body oil? Give yourself a small budget for these pleasures, and regular time for pampering. I know if I spend too many days in my sweats as frump Mom, I lose any interest in sex. By contrast, taking the time to feel pretty also makes me feel sexy and attractive.
4. Take the children out of the house. Having sex with children in the house – especially young children, who are prone to waking during the night – can feel like a bank robbery:  where you get in and out as quickly as possible. An alternative is planning for sex during the day. Get creative:  hire a sitter and have them take the children out of the house, while you stay in. Or, spend the night at a hotel, even if it’s just across town. Or swap playdates with a friend:  where your children go to a friend’s house for an afternoon, and you reciprocate the following weekend. If the kids are at home with a sitter, you leave. Having sex outside is a thrill and very steamy.
5.  Buy a lock for your bedroom door. Sex expert Lou Paget wrote that a woman can’t orgasm if she can’t relax. Period. And there’s nothing like the fear of little people entering the room to keep you anxious. If your bedroom door doesn’t have a lock, buy one. Even if the children start pounding at the gates like orcs at Helm’s Deep, a lock will buy you time to collect yourself rather than being caught in a delicate position.We will even tell our older children that we are having sex and are not to be disturbed – and then close the door. Yes, you want to keep sex private, but it needn’t be “secret,” some dark act that you must hide from your children. Show your children your passion for each other.
6.  Don’t underestimate the power of lube. Hormonal changes can cause upheaval for women, dampening their sex drive and causing painful, dry sex. Lubricant is a mom’s best friend. You can buy a bottle of lube at the grocery store, drug store, and even at the health food store. I’ve tried many brands and have found that they make all the difference between painful sex and pleasurable sex. I particularly like good, clean love – and all natural brand.
7.  Honor your sexuality. For many moms, there is a sense of loss in those first years of motherhood:  as if becoming a mom means losing a bit of themselves, including their sexual self. While raising a family can be satisfying and fulfilling, it’s important for parents to also fulfill their other needs, and honor their other selves. How do we honor all parts of our being? With our time and attention. I used to laugh at couples who scheduled sex, but now I do it, too:  otherwise it’s easy for days to go by without any physical connection. Just as I make time for running and connecting with my girlfriends, I also consciously set aside time for sex. In an ideal world, sex would be more romantic and spontaneous. In an ideal world, my children would also sleep for 10 hours a night in their own beds, too. Scheduling sex is making the best out of my situation, rather than feeling constrained by it.