For a long time, I lived with internal, unwritten rules:  expectations for my friends, family, and loved ones. These rules sounded something like this:  If you love me, you will remember my birthday. If you love me, you will take me out on a date at least once a month. If you love me, you will remember my hints for gifts and surprise me with the body oil/book/CD I mentioned. If you love me, you will tell me I’m pretty.

So, when a friend forgot my birthday, guess what? I was devastated. When my husband didn’t read my mind and plan a date, I pouted and withdrew. When my mom didn’t heed my hints for a birthday gift, I was disappointed.

It took me several years to have the confidence (and maturity) to ask for what I need. Is it more romantic, more spontaneous when someone guesses what you want, and surprises you with it? Maybe. But my desire for romance often meant that I was constantly trying to manipulate those around me – Love me this way; No, love me this way. The irony of this situation is that I was often blind to the ways my friends and family did love me, because I was too busy keeping score.

Now I accept all gifts of love that come my way. Yes, love is flowers, and cards, a thoughtfully chosen gift, remembrance of a birthday or an anniversary. But love is also my husband arising every weekday at 5 a.m., to provide for me and my children. Love is my mom sending me money for my birthday, so I can pick out something I want. Love is a friend writing me an email, just to see how I’m doing.

Think of the many ways that you are loved. List them. Like me, you may be pleasantly surprised:  you are surrounded by love.

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, a day of huge expectations for many women. I ask you:  what do you want for Valentine’s Day? Have you asked for it? Or, here’s an even bolder idea:  Have you given this gift to yourself?

Every women I know wants to feel beautiful, adored, treasured, and feminine. Every woman wants to feel like a queen. But these feelings are primarily an inside job. First and foremost, it is up to each and every one of us to see that we nurture those feelings of beauty, appreciation, love and adoration in our lives.

So, be your own romantic. Buy yourself flowers. (or a vibrator…) Take a bubble bath. Pamper your body with a luscious scented oil. Read a sexy novel. Light
candles, dim the lights, and put on some jazz. Set a beautiful table. Get dolled up for dinner. Wear beautiful lingerie under your clothes….even if the only one who sees your purple panties is your pet cat.

Of course, doing these things has a sneaky side benefit. As you romance yourself, your partner, your friends, your neighbors feel the difference. They sense something has changed. They find themselves attracted to you. They delight in your company. And guess what? You just might see more of the very flowers, romance, and dates that you wanted from them in the first place.