First Ourselves

6 Questions to Help Moms Let go of Perfection (and Your Control Freak)

Why are today's moms so anxious? How did motherhood become a quest for perfection? Why are moms so hard on themselves? These are questions that I've been thinking about lately.

It's a subject close to my heart. My parenting journey, while filled with much joy, has also been filled with low self-esteem, depression, and overwhelming anxiety. I have exhausted myself trying to be super mom. My high expectations for myself and my children meant that I was always on patrol, on guard against negative influences:  Watch out for this child. Uh, oh, here comes sugar. Is she behind for her grade? Too much Disney; too much media time; not enough exercise --- have they had enough protein?

Really, it's a wonder I was able to keep track of it all. But I'm letting go. I'm listening more. I'm acting less. And I'm doing lots of thinking.

Here are 6 observations from my own life:

1. How much of the pressure to be a supermom is based on our own thoughts and beliefs? This has been a hard pill for me to swallow, but I've come to realize how the pressure I felt to be "the mom who could do it all" came from me --- and not from anyone else. No one cared if my house was neat and tidy, if my children ate perfect diets, if I could fit into my skinny jeans, if I was together and accomplished and always smiling. Who cared about these thing? I did. I was the one who pushed myself so hard, who imagined competition among other moms, who was trying to outdo everyone else. Ouch. This is an ugly truth I really didn't want to see. But facing this truth has brought me freedom:  it's what has enabled me to chip away at these rigid expectations, and release them for something more balanced.

Finding Balance as a Mom: 4 Questions to Guide Your Choices

Are you too child centered?

I'd never thought of myself in this way. But I'm reading Judith Warner's excellent book, Perfect Madness:  Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety, and her comments made me view my parenting practices from a different perspective. She suggests that many modern moms are out of balance, catering too much to their children, putting them first to a fault. Here are some examples: 

The typical, middle class American home has a backyard that rivals a park; a basement or room set aside just for play and toys; living spaces devoted to children rather than adult pursuits (great rooms and family rooms versus dining room or living rooms.)

Family life revolves around shuttling children to and from playdates, activities, and lessons, all week and weekend long. Family budgets, the same.

Meals are reduced to kid fare:  where parents adapt their preferences around what their children will eat, rather than the other way around.

Those are just a few examples to get you thinking. Here are examples from my own life where I'm out of balance:

I've put aside my loves and passions because I didn't think they were appropriate for a "mom" or family. For example, I stopped listening to certain types of music, watching TV, reading fashion magazines, and dressing up when I became a parent.

I've nursed and slept with my 18 month old since he was born, leading to exhaustion, depression and friction in my marriage.

I feel inordinately responsible for my children's happiness, where I try to keep them from experiencing sadness, disappointment, or anger. I shelter them from people who may not love them as I do, such as cranky teachers or mean kids, and feel as if it's my duty to be the mood police, picking them up when they're sad or down.

I've stayed in a place that I've wanted to leave for years because it's good for my children, even though it's difficult for me.

What is the sum result of these choices? I've felt lost, like I gave up my identity as a human being when I became a mom. I've been, at turns, resentful, unhappy and depressed, because I eliminated the things that speak to "me" and bring me joy. I've felt trapped by my idealism, feeling like I have to do and be everything for my children, instead of letting institutions or other people help. I wasn't just my children's mother, but also their teacher, doctor, psychologist, friend, and social coordinator. No wonder I've been overwhelmed and exhausted:  this is the natural consequence of overcontrol.

Feel Proud of Your Body in 7 Steps

Do you like to feel pretty? I do.

I love beautiful clothes; I love to feel sexy and pretty. When I became a Mom, I felt guilty and ashamed of my shallowness. After all, isn't motherhood -- and adulthood-- about releasing childish desires; putting someone else's needs above your own, and recognizing that there is more to life than your appearance? As a new mom in my 20s, I let myself go:  I gained 25 pounds and traded my fashionable gear for Mom clothes:  overalls, workout clothes, and shapeless dresses. When I moved to Montana 2 years later, I went even further down the path, adopting the Montana uniform of parkas, polarfleece, and clogs.

I was so, so, so unhappy.

What was I doing in this flabby, frumpy body? I was a woman who loved fashion; who took great pride in being an athlete and a runner. No wonder I felt lost. The woman in the mirror didn't feel like "me." My clothes didn't feel like "me." Neither my body nor my day-to-day life honored the woman who loved to feel pretty and strong.

It has taken me many years to reintegrate that woman into my life. I'm a busy mom of four, which means that many days, I spend much of my time in casual dress. But several times a week I purposefully put on a skirt and heels, and take extra time with my hair and make-up, even if the only item on my agenda is running my son to and from school. I'm also working on reclaiming that strong body, and recently recommitted myself to better eating habits and regular strength training after a winter weight gain. These simple changes make me feel so good.

There are many components to a healthy body image. One of them is body pride:   being proud of the image that you see in the mirror. If, like me, you've ever been obsessive about your body, it's tempting to go to the other extreme, where you take no pride in your body. You may do as I did, and toss out your fancy clothes, adopting a natural style because you think it's somehow more "spiritual," more evolved. You may decide that since your body is temporary, anyway, why focus on it?

But we are human beings. While, yes, we are not ultimately our bodies, they are the vessel that houses our spirit. Ignoring our earthly home, neglecting our body temple seeps into every other area of our lives. How can we love and accept ourselves while we shame or dismiss our bodies?

Loving our bodies means caring for our bodies so that they look and feel their best. It’s good to take pride in your body -- to be the best you that you can be. Losing excess weight feels good, getting in shape feels good, honoring your unique style feels good. Feed your self-esteem with a healthy appreciation for your body:  what it does, as well as what it looks like. Here are 7 tips for increasing your body pride:

Letting go of Super Woman: Why We Can't Do it All

Do you know that woman, the one who makes you wonder, “How does she do it?”  The woman who leaves you in awe, because her house, herself, and her children are always immaculate?

I am that woman.

And I’m here to tell you:  this is how she does it:  she doesn’t.

For years, I tried. I really, really tried. I was the "perfect" earth mother -- I made my own baby food and baby wipes, washed my own diapers, homeschooled, cooked organic, gluten-free food from scratch, and never defaced my children’s nutrition with McDonald’s.

I was the self-serving, soft-spoken Montessori mom. I read all the right parenting books, trying to tame my temper, my anger, my irritation and frustration:  I wanted to say all the right things, so that my children would have the most perfect, loving childhood. I felt so guilty when I never measured up:  like I was screwing up my kids for yelling or losing it.

I was the ultimate host:  birthday parties were choreographed affairs; having friends over for dinner entailed lavish spreads; I hosted 4th of July bbqs for 50 people in my backyard.

10 Steps to a Healthy Body (and Body Image)

Most women feel as if they have to choose between loving their bodies and looking good. But my approach gives you both options. After all, every woman wants to feel beautiful --- without starving herself, obsessing about her appearance, or resorting to extreme measures, like plastic surgery or 3 hour workouts.

How do you create a healthy body and a healthy body image? Self-care is the secret sauce, the catalyst to change. Love in action, it transforms body, mind, and spirit. The same habits that help you create a positive body image also help you eliminate self destructive behaviors like overeating, dieting, food obsession, and food addiction.

What are these 10 habits, and how do they work? As you care for your body, you love your body. As you love your body, it looks its best. As you look better, you feel better; leading to greater self-esteem and self-acceptance.

While there are many factors that create a negative body image, each breakthrough positively influences the other areas of your life that need care and healing. This causes a positive snowball effect; as you care for yourself in one area of your life, it carries over into others. Loving your body can change your body, and your perspective. But more importantly, this process changes who you are:  the person you become by loving your body.

Here are 10 Steps to a Healthy Body and Body Image:

Add Pleasure to Nip Bad Habits

I once heard Christiane Northrup say, "The more pleasure you have [in your life], the less destructive behaviors you're going to do."

I agree. I spent years denying myself pleasure. I was the ultimate Mommy marytr: I put everyone's needs above my own, including the dog's. (I would take her on runs even though I'd end up annoyed when she couldn't keep up.) I've had to reprogram myself to embrace pleasure; to recognize that my self care is important:  the  most important item on my "to do" list.

Christiane Northrup says the single greatest thing women can do for their health is to get more sleep. Yet, in her own life, whenever she would sleep in, she heard the "negative mother" voice in her head, telling her to get her lazy butt out of bed.

Erase Mommy Guilt

Do you feel like the worst mom ever? 

I did, until I read Ann Dunnewold's amazing book, Even June Cleaver Would Forget the Juice Box:  Cut Yourself Some Slack (and Still Raise Great Kids) in the Age of Extreme Parenting. She's the author of today's post on banishing mommy guilt:

Know that continual litany in your head, with the inner critic tallying up your failures? “What a bad mom.” “Everyone else has it together.” “Here I go again, warping my child’s little psyche.” “I missed preschool sign-up — he’ll never get into the Ivy League now.” Hardly a mom is immune, especially considering what kind of superkids we expect to produce these days.

What about these thoughts. Do they sound familiar?

“Good moms never yell.”
“I had these kids, so I should give them my all.”
“I can’t stand her crying one more minute.”
“I’m such a bad mom; I even prefer laundry over Candyland.”
“This house is such a mess — it will be impossible to clean it up.”

Most days, most moms’ thoughts roll through some version of these.  And we feel lousy when they feel so true!! Teasing out the underlying thinking traps -- irrational thoughts -- that fuel worry and guilt is like mommy guilt boot camp. With your brain in straight-thinking shape, you’ll no longer feel like the lead nominee for “Worst Mother of the Year.” Here are 3 types of thinking that make you feel like a failure — and 3 steps to stop.